Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
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“My god…we’re monsters,” I murmured to a local monster, who nodded sympathetically
I hate skiing or any other sport where there’s an ambulance waiting at the bottom of the hill.
Me: Donuts can cure a brain tumor.
Friend: But you don’t have a brain tumor…
Me: [ taking a bite of a donut ]
…EXACTLY.
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
I want the school to know I’m taking teaching my kids at home seriously so I send them a fundraiser form that they have 2 weeks to sell $500 in wrapping paper.
My teens first time dusting picture frames and decided going foward that hanging them crooked would
” help the dust fall off”
[ Police interrogation room ]
Perp: I ain’t telling you shit.
Bad cop: We have ways to make a smooth criminal talk.
Thriller cop: You look like a pretty young thing.
Perp: I moisturize. Still ain’t telling you shit.
took my mom to detective pikachu she said she liked the “garlic pokemon”
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
If you hate Capitalism so much, then just write everything in lower case. Problem solved.
I accidentally dripped some mustard on my newborn daughter’s forehead and long story short a nurse just walked in and saw me lick the baby.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
therapist: Any traumatic events from your past?
me: *deep breath*
therapist: besides the first ten minutes of Up
me: *slow exhale*
The bouncer was kicking me out & I put up my finger for him 2 wait,while I chugged the rest of my drink.All he could say was:
Are U serious?
if working for a big corporation has taught me anything, it’s that these multimillionaire business owners won’t get rich if the little people like me sit around on my phone tweeting all day
Cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
The look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
The potato masher IS the Gatekeeper of the utensil drawer, don’t piss her off.
“You told me to chill out, not to stop punching the chair.”
– My 6yo reminding his Dad why it’s important to be specific with kids.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
why count sheep when I can count my troubles
Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
When people ask me if my twins are natural I say no they’re robots.
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
Nose
alien graffiti can be pretty hurtful 😔
Some woman is out there right now pregnant with Leonardo Dicaprio’s next girlfriend.
[murder scene]
DETECTIVE: What do we have here?
ME: Dead people. Jesus, Frank, is this your first fuckin day?