[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
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Judge: We only asked you to state your name.
James Loves Murder: I said I plead the 5th!
A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes
Came home to find our Roomba had gone rogue, stolen our bath mat and crashed into a wall, before giving up and dying
quite the party
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
My husband was just rude to me and I said that I’m going to punish him and he got all excited but like I don’t even know why he’s so excited to do my Calculus homework
[getting interrogated]
good cop: we just want to understand what happenedbad cop: SPILL IT, PUNK
passive aggressive cop: seems like you could help us pretty easily but whatever, you do you, it’s what you do best
This has made my week.
[doing yard work] (evanescence guy voice) rake me up (evanescence girl voice) rake me up outside
[my wife looking at me through the blinds] oh god he’s singing again
“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
[Back at her place]
Date: talk dirty to me
Me: uhh…dust is basically just flakes of dead skin
Date: Eww, wtf?
Me: I mean… uh, limescale can shorten the life your kettle
I am never angrier with myself than when I realize I accidentally bought scented garbage bags
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
*Lips to mike
Mike: Do I know you?
goldfish memory actually lasts for months not seconds so don’t play that “I forgot about the rent” shit with me, Bubbles
*clicks open my pocket watch with a glance before snapping it shut* as suspected I still cannot tell time
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I hate when people use words without knowing the meaning…gives me a huge hysterectomy on the side of my head.
grandma what big eyes u have
The better to see u with my dear
What big ears u have
Well thats kinda rude
What big teeth u have
Ur grounded
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
My coworker just proudly announced that he doesn’t believe in Santa Claus because he an athiest. Uh, sure bro, but also how about because you’re 34?
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Interviewer : what’s your five year plan?
Me: Well after I start work, I might settle down, I’d like to get married somed-
[interviewer rips off his mask to reveal my mom] WHEN CAN I MEET HER
Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
That motorcycle salesman didn’t have to laugh when I asked if they came with training wheels.