I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
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That hurricane will bounce as soon as it hits LA because it can’t afford the rent.
Mom: “You’re a delusional alcoholic.”
Abraham Lincoln: “She’s right, you know.”
When someone says they haven’t seen the end of a show yet, you’re obligated to tell them You know everyone dies, right?
I packed 8 pairs of underwear for a 4 day trip to Vegas. I don’t know what kind of trip I think I’m gonna have but fingers crossed I have it!
Me:FitBit™
Dogs:SitBit™
Babies:ShitBit™
Mosquitos:GitBit™
Scabies:NitBit™
Writers:WitBit™
Ballplayers:HitBit™
Stoners:LitBit™
Teens:ZitBit™
Stop listening to amateur meteorologists on social media! Get your weather predictions from chonky dirt rodents this week like the good Lord intended.
Yoga Matt
Interviewer: When were you most satisfied at your last job?
Me: After lunch, next question.
Shaved my legs and now I keep sliding off the bed.
Fact: If you grate a giant block of cheese on the wire mesh between you and the priest in the confessional, you’re almost immediately forgiven.
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
What’s a vampire’s favorite ship?
A blood vessel…
Last night my wife asked me to grab her keys out of her purse, but instead I found 3 Tupperware lids, 2 socks & a third kid we didn’t know we had
Peace was never an option
You know it’s really easy to sit back and make fun of everything instead of trying to actually help. That’s why I do it.
Airplanes: offering you the comforts of gas station food/drinks at popular night club prices
Lost my phone, went looking, set down coffee.
Found phone, went back, where’d I put coffee?
Adultry does not sound fun at all
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*
Dracula: Let me give you eternal life….
Me: Are you kidding me have you looked around at this world…no thank you.
Dracula: What time is sunrise?
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
Parenting books never prepared me for how much time I’d spend arguing for kids to get into and then out of the shower.
Him: I’m an dog person
Me: *excited* So like, a werewolf?
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
Me: what’s wrong?
Wife: you’re not supposed to say you have a favorite child
Me: everyone does secretly
Wife: well it should at least be one of ours
You gotta love a man with a dog’s name and a dog with a man’s name.
“Hi, I’m Cody and this is my dog Steve.”
It’s embarrassing when my wife pats me down for concealed chicken nuggets in front of our friends.
Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD