Girl1: Why are you so happy?
Girl2: I was complimented on my driving today. Someone left a note on my windshield that said “Parking Fine”
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I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Got the dermatologist recommended detergent and dryer sheets and I’m pretty sure it would’ve been cheaper to just buy a whole new body.
Gmail is down. My wife is running around screaming. The toddler just cursed at Grandma. Grandma spat at the toddler. The dog is dancing to Slipknot. The freezer is burning. The floor is lava
Texting my boss to let him know how excited I am for work tomorrow
Mayonnaise is cum. When you put it on a sandwich, you’re spreading cum on your bread. When you ask for it on a burger, you ordered cum.
“You know a lot of people think you built the pyramids”
The alien trying to abduct me:
why do you have so much Mayonnaise in your fridge
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
STUDENT: Is there anything I can do to get my grade up?
TEACHER: {biting lip} There may be one thing.
ME: {sitting on couch mouthful of popcorn} Make him retake the class!
Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but, don’t drink aquarium water to impress a girl……..
The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife:
Person: *wearing cargo shorts*
Kangaroo: that guy must have a lot of babies.
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
A child is like a CD. You enjoy it for a while and then forget it in the car.
If I cared about being judged by a stranger, I’d be religious.
Me: (Sneezes)
Microchip in my left arm: Bless you
In case anyone was wondering. I only missed 2 words this week on my 3rd graders practice spelling test.
4th grade will be tough for us. Please say a prayer.
I’ve been trying to figure out why I overslept today. Just realized drunk me set my calculator for $7.30.
everyone says “writers don’t matter” until two guys with no clue how to tell a story are tasked with bringing an end to your favorite show.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
Alfred: About your girlfriend Catwoman…
Batman: Yes, she’s a thief, but-
A: No, she pooped on the rug again. Right next to the litter box!
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
ME: I’m scared of dying alone.
SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.
Yes, I have been awake since 5am. Just not a “productive member of society” level of awake. For that you need to wait until about 11:30am when I will wash up 5 mugs & send an email. Then I’ll get hungry & we’re back to square one.
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
Me: Do you like my new negligé?
Him: Are you wearing bubble wrap?
Me: You said put something on that would keep you occupied for hours.
*the night I met my spouse*
Me: I don’t usually do this.
*present day, as the kids binge YouTube*
Me: I don’t usually do this.