if you’re havin girl problems I feel bad for you son, I got 99 problems and they’re all bottles of beer on the wall
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My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Just lookin for a girl to help me organize my plastic bag drawer.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.
[taking immortality pills]
wife: but wont we get bored of eternal life?
me: dont worry, we’ll have each other..
*we swallow the pills*
me: i can still see it in your hand
black phone good
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Today is the Winter Solstice, the shortest day of the year. Unless, of course, you’re waiting in line at Wal-mart.
TOM HARDY: ‘I am a necessary evil!’
TOM SOFTY: ‘I can’t have anything too spicy before bed.’
My whole life feels like that feeling you get when you take a multiple choice test and the answer you got isn’t one of the choices listed
“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game
Dear God I need smarter followers.
God: Me too.
31 years old, still bitterly disappointed by what “carpool” means.
HER: help I’m drowning!
ME: what’s the magic word?
HER: *gurgling* PLEASE![Later]
ME: *quietly to coroner* it was abracadabra
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
Raised my shirt to check my abs and a nacho chip fell out so I guess there’s your answer.
I’m dressing up as a public radio station for Halloween so my parents will support me again.
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
Ohhh so you don’t hate peaches. You just hate peaches that aren’t on MY plate. Got it.
– Me, to the 5 yr old
Does anybody know what the word ‘delegate’ means? (Asking for a friend)
I like that in The Little Mermaid, Ariel & King Triton wouldn’t violate a contractual obligation, but they murdered Ursula with a ship.
Kids: CARROTS?!
Me (wipes chocolate off my face): Uh yeah, the Easter bunny has PMS and decided you guys should be healthy.
As kids we used to chant “my mother and your mother were hanging up clothes, my mother punched your mother right in the nose” and apparently just accepted that moms were prone to sudden, random violence
Kid: MOM WHERE ARE YOU
M: upstairs
K: WHERE?
M: upstairs
K: UPSTAIRS?
M: yes
K: UPSTAIRS OF THIS HOUSE?
M: what the? yes
K: ARE YOU UPSTAIRS
I think I’ve convinced my sister that the new big thing is Diet Water, and now I can’t wait for her to order it when we go for lunch.
Got booked for a last minute gig tonight but I knew it wasn’t prank because the pay was too low.