I can’t believe my friend from high school lets her kid have an Instagram account when she’s only *checks notes* 21.
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Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me, turned and flipped her hair in my face claiming that is what she does now to finish an argument, which is cool and all except I didn’t know we were fighting.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
date: so you have any hobbies?
me: i play a guitar sometimes.
date: oh i’d love to see that.
me: okay [clears throat] look at me i’m a guitar!
We only rate dogs. This is very clearly an Egyptian Shadow Giraffe. Please be more careful. Only send in dogs. Thank you… 13/10
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
Never ‘boop’ a police officer on the nose when he pulls you over for speeding; I know this now.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
As I’m hiding in the tree completely nude, I can’t help but think maybe dating married women isn’t worth it.
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
her: what shall we eat tonight? any ideas?
me: I’ll just call the pizza guy
her: ok
[later]
pizza guy: you could make a nice lasagname: love it
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
Saw Paul Rudd trending and thought oh god no has he aged very slightly
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
I held my friend’s baby today and I heard my uterus whispering, “put the baby down and no one will get hurt”.
My kid sure is great at picking up Easter eggs for someone who suffers arm paralysis whenever I ask him to clean up his toys.
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
[restaurant]
waiter: how would you like your steak
me: i don’t know, medium?
medium: *gazes into crystal ball* you will like it a lot
Board Member: Sir are you sure you wanna name your new burger restaurant after the time you caught your ex-wife cheating on you?
Five Guys CEO: you heard me
Instesd of avoiding typos, embrance them. No one will pint them out if you spell everythinj wring.
What are you listening to?
The Who
Who?
Yes
You’re listening to Yes?
No The Who
Oh I like them
No not Them. The band is The Who.
The Band?
Ever had sex so bad you felt like calling a manager to complain?
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.