My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
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The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
I was kicked out of mime school once. I hadn’t put the safety lock on and my finger guns went off. The whole class took cover in their boxes
me: looks like santa came early
santa: this never happens, youre just so hot
My wife likes to tell folks our puppy was “fixed.”
But I just call a spayed a spayed.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
The girl who once told me “If I’m not married by the time I’m 30, kill me” got married recently at 29 and WHEW is that a load off my mind
Me: *wakes up screaming*
Wife: What’s wrong?
Me: Nightmare with the Microsoft Word Paperclip Helper again
Wife: Need some help?
Me: AHHH
unpopular opinion: The best thing young people can do early in their careers is to delete their dating apps so they can meet someone the old fashioned way (going down on catwoman)
MIND BLOWING SCIENCE FACT: 20% of all car crashes are actually battles between the Autobots and the Decepticons.
Whenever I want to feel like I’m at a house party again I play two podcasts at the same time and then sit on the floor in my kitchen and pet the cat
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
I see lots of millennials doing great stuff and think “we’re gonna be okay,” then I remember they absolutely adored the Jonas Brothers
The bar at our movie theater sells movie-themed drinks.
Imagine my dismay when I found out their Aquaman-themed drink wasn’t a Jason Mimosa.
“Hello darkness my old friend.”
Darkness: I’m not lending you any money.
If your phone rings during a movie, answer it “Yes, Mr. President. Right away, sir!” And then run head first through the screen.
Them: So why did you guys get divorced? Did he cheat?
Me: We went to Costco on a Saturday.
Me: Ugh. Something I ate this morning didn’t agree with me.
[Inside my stomach]
Chicken Quesadilla: “The Notebook” was an overrated film.
I’d rather see a guy with a machete walking towards me than someone with a clipboard.
I’m happiest when people tell me “Don’t be a hero” because there’s absolutely no way I’m going to disappoint them.
My neighbor bought a fancy zero-turn mower around the same time I got my beat up old tractor off craigslist. Since then, a couple times a season he has his mower towed off for repairs. Meanwhile, smooth sailing over here.
So the moral of the story is: Mow money, mow problems
I’m two types of woman. One who is extremely hard on herself & one who can’t stop giggling because she just said hard on.
I brought my Beats headphones to work, and instead of being left alone, I’ve had 7 rap battles and am in the finals against A$AP Carol.
live long and prosper!
“if I can play devils advocate for a second” bro just let me talk to the devil himself u are sooo annoying
Me: Alexa, when will computers become self-aware?
Alexa: When will YOU become self-aware?
M: *gazing out a window, crying* good one, Alexa
Feeling hurt and lonely. My usual Top Chef watch party attendees said they won’t be coming because of social distancing. They’re my cats and they live with me so I’m very confused.
Quarantine, day 14. Me and my boyfriend spent the whole day setting up an art gallery for our gerbil.
As a child I had a medical condition that meant I had to eat soil 3 times a day in order to survive. Lucky my older brother told me about it
“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.