why did double and triple dog dares go of out style. it’s win-win. you either see your friends do stupid things or you win two to three dogs
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Although we’ve been together for 30+ years, my wife discovered only yesterday that I actually do quite a passable Charles impersonation.
It’s completely revolutionised our lovemaking, I tell you.
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
Why are charming men called lady killers and not Lassassins?
90’s style insults need to come back.
Been itching to tell someone they need to go to the clue store to get one.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Yes, let’s group-edit this 3 page Word doc line-by-line on a conference call. That seems efficient.
Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
If you’re doing parenting right, you’re running a jail or you’re an enforcer for the mafia. There’s no in between.
[reading crime and punishment]
me: holy shit, that was a crime, i wonder if there’ll be a punishm-
[ten pages later]
me: you’re not gonna believe this
You can just make up words and if you say them in a Scottish accent, people will think they’re real:
Looka the wee janglers on that tary bibbit.
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Alexa; make it look like an accident
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
“You know the speed limit here, son?”
45
“You know how fast you were going?”
88
“So where you off to in such a hurry?”
1985
I say “Andrea” you say “Aun-dray-uh” and that’s why nobody likes you, Andrea.
So my hinge date last night accidentally texted me this
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
“It’s not my fault I keep losing my gloves.”
– a kid whose fault it most definitely is-
Her: Things got a little wild last night with Mike during sex. 😏
Me: You have bruises??
Her: No but he knocked my phone out of my hand.
Why are they called bangs and not a hangover?
Traveling with kids is just paying to use bathrooms somewhere else
My Mexican dad before we went to go see Wakanda Forever: so Namor, it means like “no love?” Is that part of his character?
Me: no dad, that’s just been the character’s name since 1939.
Namor in the movie: so I took that as my name, “Namor,” the child without love!
My dad:
2020 is like going to a wedding and finding a cash bar kind of year.
Doctor – “you’ve been bitten by a spider. Ever see that movie Spider-Man?”
Me – “no?”
Doctor – “and I’m afraid you never will. You’re dying”
5 minutes left in this NBA game. Gonna read War and Peace, walk the dog, and get a mani/pedi before the final buzzer.
When I see how my boys have loaded the dishwasher I think, “Maybe their father is my cousin.”