JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
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me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Put granola in your yogurt, because who doesn’t like eating tiny rocks on purpose?
do you swear to tell the truth the whole truth and nothing but the truth
“starting now?”
yes
“the judge looks like squints from the sandlot”
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
It used to be that at least once a week you’d walk down the street and see a piano dropped on someone’s head from an apartment above and that person would pop out of the top with piano key teeth. this is what they’ve taken from us
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
I watched Mad Max and now I’m riding my dog around my living room using two bananas as guns
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
WIFE: please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[later]
THEM: so how did you two meet?
ME: I did NOT buy her on eBay
doc: i think you’re dying
me: I want a second opinion
doc: i think it’s great
Fitness influencer: It’s important to listen to your body.
Body: You’re old. And you want lasagna.
Dolphin scientists say that dolphins are the smartest animal next to humans, but I think they’re only saying that because they’re dolphins.
I lost my phone and it’s on silent. Man! I should’ve listened to Beyonce.
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
If a chimp tries to sign up for your karate class, DO NOT LET HIM! He already has the strength & the anger. Don’t give him the skills.
Updating my dating profile….
My husband isn’t being as helpful as I’d hoped tbh
i scammed $50,000 from a financial advice columnist does anyone need anything?
German shepherd? I think we adopted a kangaroo.
Instead of “Who’s your daddy?” I accidentally said “How’s your daddy?” and we put our clothes back on and discussed her father’s cholesterol
Dropped a pea in my apple juice and my daughter couldn’t wait to tell me that I was drinking pea.
ME: it’s like a dream come true
UNICORN [speaking German and wearing a purple leotard while smoking a giant cigar]: you better enjoy it pal we had to pull a lot of strings to make this happen
Me: I wish I never had to go outside
Me after listening to 10 minutes of NPR: I bet I could milk a goat, for I am so knowledgeable in such things
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
My wife just opened a bottle of wine so my chances of getting laid just went from 0 to 750ml.
10 y/o Edison: How many scientists does it take to change a light bulb?
His Dad: What’s a light bulb?
His Mom: IDFK. U tell me, Einstein.