Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.
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If it was really a smart phone it would have recognize that it was an ignored call, not missed.
ME: I’d like to speak to your manager.
HOT DOG VENDOR: Are you serious?
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
I’m stranded on a dessert island. Do not send help.
Ferrari squats
Me: get murdered or die trying amirite
Doctor: then you have three months to get murdered
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Taking applications for a semi pro story telling back scratcher.
Must work nights.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
Zodiac Killer: *serial killing*
Victim: why are you doing this?
Zodiac Killer: you know how Scorpios are lol
“How often do you exercise?”
About 3 to 4 times a week.
“Be honest.”
2003.
When I was 12, I asked a boy at school out. He said he had a girlfriend, but when they broke up I could be his next girlfriend and tbh I’m still waiting.
[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Every single employee in this hotel has said good morning to me. I’m never staying here again.
A little boy at the park ran away from my twins and promptly told his mom, “they scare me cause there’s two of them!!” Same, buddy, same.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
when you swipe left on a guy and Bumble says “you’ve missed a potential match!” like yeah I know I did that on purpose
911: whats your emergency Me: Come quick, my son has swallowed a condom*Click 911: whats your emergency Me: It’s ok, found another one.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
2020: A masked guy puts lasagna in your trunk and then you drive away.
[me dress shopping]
“Ohhhh that’s cute”
*an 80 year old buys it*
I work as a receptionist in a vets. When somebody’s pet is being put to sleep we light a candle to let everyone know to be quiet and respectful. There was no dying pet today. I just had a hangover.
Twitter handles are like bands from the 90s. I don’t really remember anything they wrote, but when I see their name, I have a vague sense of whether I hate them or not.
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Stop picking up fawns.
You are not a Disney princess.
And even if you are, don’t.