pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
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How To Ride An Escalator:
-Step 1
-Now Just Chill for a Bit
I’m naming all my children after Instagram filters. Hudson, Walden, Valencia, Kelvin, Brannan, Willow, and the twins, Toaster and 1977.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
Purgatory is like approaching a flashing stoplight. The light at the end of the tunnel is blinking and no one knows what to do.
You wanna do stuff with toys in bed? Let’s do it; I’ve already got like 3 hot wheels cars and a Barbie in there right now, so….
An eye exam where the optometrist makes you read a menu under dim lights.
I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan is directing 2020.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
🎵 Papa, just killed this toy
Stomped my foot against its head
Batteries fell out, now it’s dead Papa, playtime had just begun
But now I’ll go and throw tantrums all day…🎵-If “Bohemian Rhapsody” was remade to fit my toddler’s mood.
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
My husband and I make a good team. I’m about to start cooking Thanksgiving dinner, and he’s taking the batteries out of the smoke detectors.
There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
It’s almost like someone got the entire past year wet and fed it after midnight.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
I find it ironic that several times a day I have to let a computer know that I’M not a robot.
How to numbers:
1: good job!
2: you’re doing it!
7: uhoh
#: that’s not even a number
🐴: wtf?
B: what are you doing?
My brother says that after you reach a certain age, you become more concerned about the hereafter.
As in:
I cam into this room. what did I come here after?
I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
What’s the age limit for saying, “Look how big you got!” because I said it to my mother-in-law and she hasn’t looked at me since
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
7: We should probably sell our pets before they get old and die.
I guess I know which of my kids is NOT getting power of attorney.
i meant to share this earlier
“Yes, I need to check in.”
“Sir, this is a burn unit.”
“Yeah, I got hit hard with a series of jokes about my mom, and I had no comeback.”
Have you tried soaking yourself in rice to fix your problems?
~ Me as a therapist
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
I’ve written a musical called Fish.
It’s very similar to Cats… although Memory’s a lot shorter.
“Trust your gut”
the thing that can’t handle spicy foods? Okay, sure