Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
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Me: i hate it when I have to come in to work
Boss: i hate it when you have to come to work, too
For Tolkien writing was Hobbit forming.
Artist: I wonder why my back hurts all the time
Artist while drawing:
“Food expiration dates are lies. It’s all about control.” My knife breaks as I cut into a plate of milk. “I’m saving this for later.”
ME: I don’t really eat any meat except for fish
DATE: oh so you’re a pescatarian
ME: ummm I guess if I’m crossing the street?
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
The “Allosaurus you can eat” buffet was very popular with Jurassic Park visitors. After the fences failed it was also popular with the Allosaurus.
I hate it when I see an old person and then realize we went to high school together
I may not look like the toughest guy at the bar but I was a psychology major, I studied writing for decades, and you do NOT want me sending your boss a message on LinkedIn
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions.
Never realized how out of shape I was until I started sweating after using scissors for 30 seconds.
timmy was starting to wonder just how badly he really wanted that archery badge
If you’re expecting your first baby, skip the self-help books and practice not feeling triggered by “watch this” “why” and “one more”
Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
going ballistic.
anyone need anything?
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
kid that threw a ball into my yard: hey give it back
me: *hugging his dog* no
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
My three security questions:
1. Name of your first shrink
2. Dosage of your favorite medication
3. Name of Dad’s drag queen persona
HR: No. 1 asset u would bring to Verizon customer support?
Applicant: Integrity
HR: Seriously?
A: No.
HR: Hired!
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
During this difficult time, I urge all parents to go through their children’s toys after they go to bed tonight and throw out any kazoos and whistles.
It’s too late for me, but PLEASE save yourselves!
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
The first rule of kite club is you do not talk about Benjamin Franklin.
Five Guys cashier: I’m sorry sir, we actually just ran out of buns. Would you still like to order?
Anaconda: I don’t want none, hon.
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
I couldn’t remember the word tumbleweed