I just really hope The Weeknd’s real name isn’t Mnday.
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Found a box of photos in the closet, one of which was me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe that was over six months ago.
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
I’m no socialist but I do believe everyone is born with an inherent right to as many dipping sauces for their mcnuggets as they want.
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
Who called it a hot dog rolling grill and not a roller toaster
The Bachelor is like “Meet Savannah from Brooklyn, Madison from Savannah, Brooklyn from Madison”
Me: Babe, I got carded today!
Husband: Showing your Costco membership at the entrance doesn’t count.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
No, not sex addict, I said sex attic, you know, like a sex dungeon, but upstairs.
“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”
That’s not what I –
“Please stop. Let me do this.”
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
Her: how are you
Me: good
Her: you sure?
Me: yup
Her: you’re alright?
Me: yes..
Her: really?
Me:
Her: are y–
Me: people like you go missing
If by axe throwing, you mean throw all of my son’s body spray in the trash because he uses it so much, then yes I’ll go axe throwing with you.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
no of course i don’t laugh at my own jokes. i also cook food i’m allergic to and buy clothes that make me look like shit
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?
OMINOUS CHANTING
*pentagram starts to glow*
YES! RISE DARK LORD! RISE!
*Satan tosses pillow through portal*
UNGH 5 MORE MINUTES!!!
Things a raccoon and I have in common:
1) Dark circles around the eyes.
2) Likes eating junk.
3) We’re both cute but will kill you.
avoided the guys with the white uniforms and human sized nets again so yeah it was a decent day
person: can you keep a secret?
me: I’ll never share what you say but it will weigh on me and negatively affect my life
person: oh thank god
When you have kids, finding a marker lid in your house is like finding a pin without the grenade attached.
My kid is running around the house with an open umbrella draped across his shoulders and got mad because I couldn’t guess he was a *checks notes* vampire blaster mechagodzilla.
Before the invention of the automobile, you had to put roller skates on your horse
This could’ve been an email.
All the people upset over same sex marriage didn’t seem to mind when Paula Abdul was openly dating a cartoon cat in the late 80s.
It’s not the destination that matters. It’s the snacks you eat on the way.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?