I’ve never held a baby before
“It’ll be fine”
*I accidentally put the baby in a box and mail it to North Korea*
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“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
Trying to motivate myself to go for a run, but it’s windy outside.
And outside.
Over the weekend at a friend’s house I was like “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Stuffs more popcorn in my face*
Why don’t bad guys in movies just paint the red wire green?
Doctor: That does it for the stitches. How did you bust your lip open?
Husband: I was sparring with a buddy yesterday.
Me: He was pulling up the duvet when his hand slipped and he punched himself in the face.
I told my kid that we celebrate Valentine’s Day because it was on this day that Jesus got his first girlfriend and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
Me when my alarm goes off
Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul
Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please
Historian : Rome wasn’t built in a day.
Me : [Trying to impress the girls] He’s right, you know, it was built in Italy.
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
Son: how will I know when I’m a grown-up?
Me: certain foods will make your stomach hurt.
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
I’d rather drop a baby than my iPhone…. I mean I can make another baby, but I have no clue how to make an iPhone.
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
JOHN LENNON: Help! I need somebody
ME: okay I’m here what do you ne-
JOHN LENNON: not just anybody
ME: damn wow okay
Watching Escape to the Country. A couple with a budget of 600,000 looking for a house in the Chilterns.
First house: they want the kitchen at the back so they can open it up and extend it. For Hugo.
They want an extra reception room. For Hugo.
They want more space than a 60ft garden offers. For Hugo.
Hugo is one. Yes, one year old.
My resolve to not swear is being severely tested.
Them: ugh could you be more annoying
Me: oh my yes
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
“Okay, Bill, now you’re making it awkward.”
A friend lectured me about going to see Star Wars alone, because “that’s weird.” As if chastising a grown man in a cloak is some normal shit
Him:You married?
Me:Aww You think I’m that pretty?
H:Ma’am just filling out your pape-
M:SO I’M UGLY?
H:I’ll tell the therapist to hurry
Me: GD potholes
My kids: WEEEEEEEEE
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
VERY difficult to convince the apple store people that you’ve only ever dropped your phone 3 times if you dropped it twice in the store.
If you really want me to pay attention to you, you’d mention sandwiches
Baby formula = dad x mom 🤨
*solves baby formula supply chain issues*