*wife walks over to me*
*cups my face with her hands*
*looks me in the eye*“Why is there a mousetrap in the fridge?”
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*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
Trouble brewing at Symphony Hall. It’s the bottom of Beethoven’s 9th, and the bassists are loaded.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
“I’ll do it after I’m dead”
People that don’t know how death works.
[in bed]
Me: got a costume from the Princess Leia slave scene
Him: omg yes
Me: *disappears to change*
*comes back dressed as Jabba the Hutt*
I eat all 8 spiders in January so i don’t have to eat any for the rest of the year.
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
Me- *Merging in traffic* Am I clear on your side?
13- *continues looking at her phone* Yes
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
First woman that gave birth to twins was prolly like “????????”
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
Don’t wanna brag, but I just beat my own record for most consecutive days spent without dying.
Me: I’m having unusual urges!
Doc: Perhaps we should take you off that medicine.
Me flipping his nose: I’m not taking any medicine you silly goose.
Two types of dogs.
My skin is so dry that I can’t tell if it’s kidding.
And bowling should be called pinball
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
My son wants a pet pig so if he asks the ham he ate for dinner last week was pterodactyl meat.
BRAIN: you need to let loose a little, have some fun
ME: rainbow colored goldfish crackers it is
I’m not even opening the door for kids dressed as police for Halloween
Nannying is like a stay at home mom internship
*Naming my child*
WIFE: What’s the girl version of Matt?
ME:… Mattress?
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
It looks like someone put their IKEA Güsen together wrong.
Interview
Bishop: Do you have any job-related questions?
Vicar: No
Bishop: What about the other Bible chapters?
TRUMP: I’m gonna lose, huh?
RYAN: Yes.
[silence]
TRUMP: Thank God.
RYAN: I know
TRUMP: I’d be SO bad at it
RYAN: We literally all might die
A horror story:
You are enjoying a quiet night with a glass of wine on the couch when, suddenly, the phone rings.
That’s it that’s the whole story.
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard