I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
You Might Also Like
Self-cleaning conscience
“Get a puppy,” they said.
“It will be fun,” they said.I got 4 hours of sleep.
I don’t think people are allowed to complain about a Wonka Experience that sold itself as a day of magical whimsy then delivered uncanny horror beyond comprehension
I’d like to think that my exes see me as “the one who got away,” but it’s probably more like “the one who got away from the police.”
I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
Boss: What are you doing here on a Saturday??
Me (eating leftovers from fridge): …reports.
Allow me to demonstrate my special technique of hearing what isn’t being said.
[forgetting the phrase ‘adopt a rescue’]
i’d like to purchase one used dog
Earth Day…
…another made up holiday by Big Galaxy just to sell more planets!
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
Things I can’t tell if missus saying to me or animals.
Food is ready.
Don’t lick that.
Don’t hump that.
Stop growling.
I love you.
Put your penis away.
Get back here.
Don’t eat that.
Get out.
Come here.
What are you doing with my underwear?
Don’t bite.
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
Some people have bedroom eyes. I have interrogation room eyes.
It’s called a flat stomach in UK but an apartment stomach in America.
interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?
God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
If asked at a job interview “what’s your biggest weakness”, test their tolerance for honesty by replying “mortality”
My daughter returned from a birthday party without bringing me cake. She said they didn’t even have cake. They had cupcakes. And they were the mini ones. And they got one each.
This is not a birthday party, it’s a horror movie.
Your smile is radiant. Close your MOUTH.
Lint Bizkit #LaundrySongsAndBands
quick poll: why’d you break up with me in high school Alison
Driving tests should have a portion where a kid in the backseat just pummels you with rapid-fire questions while you try to merge.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
WHAT SIGN IS SHE
him: [has seen Jaws, is smart, knows what to do when he hears the Jaws theme music]
me: [has never seen Jaws, is dead now]
5 Stages of Girl Scout Cookie Season:
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. 436 boxes of Thin Mints
Me: the only way to kill a zombie is to behead it
Cop [closing cuffs]: none of those people were zombies
Me: and they never will be!
ME: [holding door for wife]
WIFE: Why can’t we just buy an umbrella?
911 I JUST SAW TWO TRANSFORMERS FIGHTING
“Mr Bay, please stop doing this every time you see a car crash”