Asked my dad and uncle why they weren’t chatting and my uncle goes “we’re done chatting for today” and my dad nods and they continue watching tv in silence
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The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Never go to bed angry. Stay up and make sure they don’t sleep either.
INTERVIEWER: On average, how often do you miss work?
ME: *sweating profusely* NO ONE SAID THERE’D BE MATH
A recipe book of “traditional English meals” called ‘we’re getting the bland back together’
I’m God’s gift to women if he stopped at a gas station last minute.
Finally all the people in the White House are being polite. They are all running around saying “pardon me.”
I can’t stop watching this.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
[alien taking notes]
Humans: Reluctant to common sense gun control, yet somehow completely overreactive when approached by a bee.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
My dad was a failed magician & I have two half-sisters.
F*** you and the horse you rode in on!
Horse: Look man, I was just giving this guy a ride.
see you in hell you stupid fruit
I pledged to pick up 10 pieces of trash on Tuesday. So, I’m going to Walmart to see if anyone needs a ride.
*adds humanitarian to resume
the three bears:
Goldilocks: your house is a total disgrace it’s like you gave no consideration to what I, the trespasser, might like
“I WAS SUPPORTING LOCAL BUSINESSES!” I screamed my scale.
What’s worse than a chick telling you she only thinks of you as a friend? When she says she thinks of you like a brother.
I thought attending Zoom meetings from home was the worst. Then I went back to the office and experienced being around other people who were in Zoom meetings.
My reality check bounced, guess I’ll have to stay insane for the time being
*eats Big Mac meal*
*has two ice cream cones for dessert*
*drives by gym**wonders why new diet and fitness plan isn’t working*
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
[Harry Potter runs and smashes face into brick wall]
Sign: “PLATFORM 9 3/4 CLOSED DUE TO COVID-19”
carolers: *knock on door*
(Simon Cowell answers the door)
carolers: *gulp*
I hope my liberal use of made-up words doesn’t make you…discomfortable
amazing how folks can pinpoint the subtle floral undertones in a glass of wine while i’m like “yo, is there mustard on this grilled cheese?”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
People will read 50 Amazon reviews before buying a pair of headphones but won’t think twice about taking drugs they bought from someone they only know as “the guy.”