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Everytime a suburban white kid throws up a gang sign, an angel misses brunch.
I only need to lose 30 pounds by the end of the year to hit my resolution to lose 20 pounds
My daughter bit off both ends of her chocolate bunny and is shouting through it like a megaphone, “Hello, is there anybunny in there?”
If they stop texting back you need to assume they’ve died and move on. If you see them out just smile because you ain’t afraid of no ghost
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
“you’re so quiet” i wish you were too
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
[dog wedding]
[Bride throws bouquet into crowd]
[Groom catches it, gives it back to Bride]
[Bride throws bouquet again]
[Groom catches..
Me: When I was little I was never allowed in grandma and grandad’s bed if I was scared.
6yo: That’s sad Mommy. I’m going to tell grandma and grandad that they have to let you in their bed tomorrow.
Me: Oh no no no baby. I’m good!
Interviewer: how would you describe yourself?
Me: verbally, but I’ve also prepared a dance
[talking with counselor]
I don’t “know” what “she” means that I “use” excessive air quotes
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
genie: wishes should be limited
monkeys paw: and come with consequences
shooting star: don’t forget rare
birthday candle: yeah and secret
dandelion: ok you guys need to relax
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Every change you make in life starts with crafting clothes for nuns. It’s all about creating habits.
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
Vampire: I can bite you…
Me: Sweet!
Vampire: … and give you eternal life!
Me: Stop threatening me!
In case you ever worry you spend to much money on dumb things you should know they’re still making Grey’s Anatomy
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
While staying at hotels, I always ask for the oil stained parking lot view
Plays “In Your Eyes” on the kazoo outside your window, dressed like a potato.
[Bartending]
Girl: I’d like a martini, make it virgin
Me: ok, I’ll make it, just stop calling me that
I don’t have a 17 step nightly skin regimen; I need that time to google if a Crocodile would win a fight with an Alligator.
Beaver 1: our house has been flooded…
Beaver 2: dam
If you want to have fun with your kids, tell them the teacher called, then ask if there is something they need to tell you.
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok