Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
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My wife says I can’t be a Twitter Dom until I finish my chores.
Save your money- instead of a swear jar, just wash your mouth out with cilantro
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
people that brag about not eating processed foods like, okay??? what are you eating when you’re depressed? a carrot? we’re all dying, grow up and eat a hot dog from the street like the rest of us, pathetic
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
I think we see so many men with long beards nowadays because nobody can afford those Gillette replacement blades.
After many years of cat ownership you really understand cats… until you get a second cat.
Therapist: How do you feel?
Me: With my hands.
T: Do you deflect a lot?
Me: Only sharp objects. If it’s fluffy, I just let it hit me.
Me: You should do that sexy thing you did a few weeks ago more often.
Her: When I was dancing in my panties?
Me: No…Cooking
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
My niece likes movies about talking animals so I bought her something called The Human Centipede. Sounds cute.
I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
*deletes fb account*
*leaves social media*
*goes to Himalayas*
*pigeon comes with a note*
*opens note*
*candy crush request*
*dies*
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
Matt Damon: I have 4 daughters which means I have… *counting aloud on fingers* 4 respect for women
When I have to reset my microwave it requires I put in the time, day, month and YEAR, why do you need to know the year you self important kitchen appliance, heat the coffee like it’s 1995 it’s the same to me
Ancient proverbs say “Nobody sleeps when the cat’s bowl is empty”.
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
Imagine being held at gunpoint (bear with me) by a literate animal, and the only hope of rescue is (BEAR WITH ME) tweeting a coded message
How many of you have awakened with your spouse holding your hand only to find they are putting your thumb on your iPhone trying to break in?
the saddest part about self driving cars will be all the times people die mid trip and then ur dinner guests or pizza guy will arrive dead
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s that I’m glad I am not a therapist
Think you’re a tough guy?
Go eat a package of Oreos in the middle of a crowded gym.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
I hate this app so much. This rebrand is awful. If you need to reach me, you can find me here engaging in content and regularly posting
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.