If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
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[first day as a wizard] now, to cook the perfect amount of pasta
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
10 bucks says when Dora grows up, she’s gonna be a drug mule.
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
I still remember the day I asked my mom “why did you have so many of us? (I have 4 brothers and 2 sisters)
Her response: there was nothing good on T.V.
Me: You’re not like other girls.
3-year-old: *continues looking for the right Barbie to fight her dinosaurs*
I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me
So apparently they don’t count as sit-ups if you’re just trying to get out of bed. Shame, as this morning I did about 9
“I’m helping” 😅
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
“I liked small butts. I was lying.” – Sir Mix-A-Lot’s teary deathbed confession
“Omelet you finish.”
– Kanyegg West
I imagine hooking up with you would be like asparagus. I’d forget you quickly but be reminded every time I pee.
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Me: *confronts childhood bully* I’ve been waiting for this day
Bully: OH YEAH?
Me: *calls my mom & whispers* I’m in a little trouble here
me: I told our son it’s okay to cry if you drop your ice cream
wife: what did he say?
me: he kept laughing at me
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
Someone told me their kid was 20 months old so I told them my dog is 14 months old, they weren’t impressed
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
Good news: He told me I was his penguin.
Bad news: Penguins only have sex once a year.
Thanks to feminine hygiene advertising, I expected my first period to come out blue.
Imagine my surprise when it was bright green.
Sloth isn’t such a bad sin. It keeps me from committing the other six.
if i finally fell asleep and a ghost woke me up to show me my past, i’d kill them again
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
I’m a vegetarian except for chicken, beef, pork, and fish products.
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
DO NOT ATTEMPT TO SURGICALLY CHANGE YOUR SON’S BONES TO STEEL LIKE WOLVERINE. THERE WILL BE A LOT OF QUESTIONS.
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go