*in a desperate attempt to impress my daughter with magic, i pull a fully cooked turkey with all the trimmings from behind her ear*
{nervously} is this your card?
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My surgeon said NO drinking for 24 hours, then we both laughed.
Just be thankful you aren’t quarantined with a roommate who has decided to work her way through the Taylor swift songbook on guitar, which she can barely play (me it’s me I’m doing that)
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
Don’t buy drinks from children on the side of the road. The money never really goes to aid for lemons.
the nerve of a majority of people i meet being younger than me. how dare them
I don’t want a boyfriend. Just someone to call me beautiful, love me right, and fix the clogged drain in my bathtub. Mostly the drain thing.
I may be fat now, but you’re stupid forever.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
*cough*
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
“Alas, I am surrounded. You must fight on, gentlemen, I fear that it is too late for me. Now come and get me you savages, we shall travel to Hell together!”
Thanks a lot bathroom doors with the gender written in weird symbols. I just want to pee, not solve a sudoku puzzle.
My top 5 exercises:
-jumping to conclusions
-flying off the handle
-carrying things too far
-dodging responsibilities
-pushing my luck
Any minute now these two ziplock halves will actually connect. Any. Minute. Now.
[my parents come for a visit]
i love you guys so much please stay forever you can have my bed i’ll buy dinner
[my mom puts a wooden spoon in the dishwasher]
well this has been fun,
I’ve never made eggplant before. Is it better fried or scrambled?
[leaving sushi restaurant]
WAITER: sayonara
ME: onara
“You want me to do what?!”🤣
There are only two things in this world visible from space. One is the Great Wall of China and the other is my pile of laundry.
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
I’m starting to think the guy that gave me directions to the train station was just talking to someone on his Bluetooth.
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Age is just a number. Unfortunately it’s a number that just keeps getting bigger and bigger.