“Still upset about earlier?”
Yeah
“So you knocked over a few spaghetti boxes at the store. No big deal”
I WAS A WORLD JENGA CHAMPION, SALLY
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Thinking outside the box.. 😅
awesome that january is over but rude that our reward for getting through january is… february
[while listening to halloween sounds cd I bought] spooky huh [friend on road trip with me] yeah but got anythin else its like a 6 hour drive
REPORTER: still feel it was a good idea to spend all $80 million of your lottery winnings on this?
ME: [using my 28 surgically added hands to pet 30 dogs at once] yes
[a 31st dog walks by]
ME: oh no
Following the leaking of nude photo’s of Kim Kardashian, her personal assistant has been sacked for the delay.
please pray for my sons Thursten and Gorse who have just glued themselves to a curtain,
OK so apparently “psychosis” is one word, and doesn’t specifically refer to my female sibling.
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
[Getting lucky on the first date]
Me: Hey, there’s an onion ring in my fries!
Interviewer: Have you worked in a fertility clinic before?
Me: No
[nervous because it’s my 1st interview]
Me: But I used to be an embryo
[being rescued from a deserted island]
me: oh thank god…I haven’t bathed in weeks
them: again…this is just day 2 of a 5 day cruise
Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Yes
Magician: And this?
Me: Yup
Magician: How about this one?
Me: Please just put the gun down, you can take the whole wallet
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Everyone was sick in my house for a month and finally better and then my daughter coughed so I jumped off the balcony.
I just plugged the charger into my phone, in the correct hole, on the first try.
So it IS possible, guys.
IT. IS. POSSIBLE.
[Andes’ plane crash survivors diary]
Day 1: Gary’s cheering us up telling jokes
Day 2: Same jokes
Day 4: We all hate Gary
Day 6: We ate Gary
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
watching annie with the kids and now they want me to put them in an orphanage so a wealthy person can adopt them
Diabetes was the God of sugar.
Ouija Board: Sorry that I never responded to your text.
“It started out with a Kiss, how did it end up like this?”- Me, after eating an entire bag of Hershey’s chocolate.
This is me
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
Him: Are you always this socially awkward?
Me: Only when I’m in my human form.
Him: So always.