“Hello, this is Steve, my wife is listening.”
– How I answer every phone call since my wife bought Bluetooth for my car.
You Might Also Like
I’m the Cinderella of finding one shoe at a sale and not finding the other and losing my own along the way.
Me trying to walk in a dream
Hot singles in your area are eating chili.
The twin sisters that live next door to me, shower is broke so they’re using mine. So, you know what that means…
More hair in my drain.
listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
When I told my 12 year old that I’d be back in 1 hour and was 15 mins late:
Him: Where were you, I was worried!
Me: I had to make an extra stop, you could have texted me.
Him: YOU SAID 1 HR!
ME: Sorry……dad?
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
Why are you even asking me that mom. I love jumping off bridges, either by myself or as a group, you know that.
“SOMEBODY had a lot of time on their hands.” What dull people say about creative people.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
My wife said she hides snacks from me so she can put them out when guests come over, in case you were wondering why I invited you here tonight.
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
[Car breaks down]
Me:*inspecting engine*
Date: is everything ok?
Me: *nervously searching 100 now empty hamster wheels* haha..y-yep
Teacher: Can anyone give me an example of guilty by association?
The Horse I rode in on: *Raises Hoof*
ME: I’m as strong as a box!
HER: Surely you mean “ox”?
ME: [easily collapses after getting wet from tears]
*comes into work with a sore throat*
*licks everyone’s face*
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
I dreamt last night that a bear broke into my house and made chili in the crockpot. It was delicious.
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
I did not “try to rob a bank,” I just “aspired” to obtain more money.