idea for a movie:
a bear who is a parent
captures a psychotherapist
to cook as dinner for the cubs
and the movie is called
(and i’m very very sorry)
“kids, i honeyed the shrink”
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Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I feel pretty smart until I realize the wild ducks I’m surprised by on my neighbor’s lawn are metal lawn ornaments he’s had for 5 years.
ME: *trying to fit in* I ALSO don’t fly.
PENGUINS: *shuffling about while trying to keep their distance*
ZOOKEEPER: Sir, get out of the pen.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
Shy girl has a crush on shy boy.Shy boy has a crush on shy girl.Neither of them say anything.They both do a lot of homework.#VeryRealisticYA
You’re pretty cocky for someone with such a small…
….vocabulary.
Everyone is all “love is patient” during the wedding but when there’s a long line for the open bar, not so much.
People who get stoned in glass houses should probably wear pants
…or whatever that saying is
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
GAME TRAILER: “Enter a world beyond belief…”
ME: “Yes”
GAME TRAILER: “An adventure like never before…”
ME: “YES”
GAME TRAILER: “Join your friends online”
ME: “I’m out”
If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
Do you ever feel like you’re a terrible person? I do. I feel like you’re a terrible person.
Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
Scientists are attempting to clone Ice Age Cave Lions because running into a raccoon when I take out the trash isn’t scary enough.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
Me: “Come here” is spelled C-O-M-E not C-U-M
My kid: Does it really matter how I spell it?
Me: Yes!
Nothing says “I love you mom” like my 6yo asking me who gets my iPad when I die.
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
marrying a French man really helped me understand the French revolution because once you’ve heard literally anyone from France talk about other French people you understand how ready this entire country is to just starting guillotining each other
Know your Norse mythology. Loki. The trickster. Devised the death of heroic god Baldr and those chips that can’t be opened without scissors.
I like how I carefully open a box of cookies so I don’t damage the resealable tabs like I’m not eating them all right now
I don’t remember daylight savings having this much of an effect on me. Last night I went to bed at 9:30 and this morning I woke up standing in my neighbour’s backyard dressed as a scarecrow.
Me: What would you give me if I can fit this whole waffle in my mouth?!
Wife: An uncontested divorce
It’s interesting growing up and discovering that most adults are not that clever. I had my suspicions as a kid but I didn’t think the situation was this dire.
me hitting on a model
[drive-thru at 2am]
Whaazzuupp!? Lemme gets 12 tacos, 6 burritos, and a Diet Coke. Booyah!
Neighbor’s mailbox: …
I just finished watching a Tik Tok that stated if you see a Big foot with evil red eyes you should run. I’m sitting here contemplating shouldn’t I be prepared to run from all Big Foots? Discuss.