mechanic: it looks like something was repeatedly shoved in and out of the tailpipe?
optimus prime: haha, I wouldn’t—I don’t know anything about that
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After 10 missed calls in a row, I’m tempted to answer the phone just so I can find out who wants to be murdered.
I see a cute girl on the bus. I unzip my hoodie to reveal a t-shirt that says, “I love holy matrimony”. She pats on the open seat beside her.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
Interviewer: can you give me an example of when you overcame a challenge?
Me: yep. I made it here on time even though I got really high an hour ago
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
[during prison riot]
cellmates: we’re busting out. you coming?
me: *shakes magic 8 ball*
magic 8 ball: ask again later
me: shoot hang on
If she shovels shit at the local zoo, then she’s a keeper
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: I usually stay pretty still.
Cleavage is the original Jedi Mind Trick.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
“Have u seen my cat?”
“I saw a cat down the road?”
“Really? [shows me a picture] was it this cat?”
“No, the one I saw was dead.”
[homeschooling]
ME: what is 345 minus 127?
DAUGHTER: 218
ME: *filling out tax form* thanks
Remember to check on elderly neighbours in this hot weather, as they usually have ice creams in the freezer.
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Made my day..
I have this digital scale in my bathroom. Everyday the first thing I do is weigh myself and it shows 68 Kgs. However, if I weigh myself after I wear my specs i see 88 kgs.. hence the specs weigh 20 kgs
I’m not a 6. I’m two 3s in a trench coat.
I wonder if that football guy will be at the Taylor Swift game again today.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Is not cake Is cake
But IS cake But is NOT cake
I could never join the army because I’d never be able to figure out what time it is.
I once told my mom that being the youngest child wasn’t so great because I got the least amount of time with her before she dies.
Just to show that my dark side comes from a loving place.
mom: why didn’t you answer your phone?
me: i was driving
mom: where are you now?
me: walking the dog
mom: you need better excuses
me: it’s the truth
mom: then put the dog on
me: he’s uh driving
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I’m an adult. I can eat a cupcake for breakfast & call it a muffin if I want