when i was little, a friend’s mom snapped at me and asked if i was medicated. when i said no she was like, “well, you should be!” and if i saw that woman today, i’d look her right in her mean face and say, “damn, brenda, you straight up called that one.”
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Yes, but you should see the other pea
~Black eyed pea probably
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
Just took my girlfriend to the movies and now I’m $10,000 in debt.
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
I’d run way more miles a day if someone holding a bagel was running in front of me and someone holding a spider was chasing after me.
if you’re not in my circle of trust , you’re probably in my triangle of suspicion or rhombus of doubt.
‘In my humble opinion…’ yeah right lmao sounds really modest already
He was a koi.
She was a squirrel.
Can I make it any less obvious?
Standing behind a hot guy on a treadmill saying ‘don’t worry baby, I’ll catch you if you fall’ makes him run for a really really long time
*fakes headache to get out of work*
*updates resume with “proficient at adapting previously learned skills to new tasks”*
can’t believe how far my ex is going to make me jealous. moving away, not talking to me for 10 years, getting married. nice try, idiot. it’s so obvious
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Welcome to 50, where your body says no to you far more than you have the energy to say it to your kids.
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
Inventor of rice cakes: What if chewing air made a noise?
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
VOICEMAIL: I’m sorry I can’t come to the phone right now, my toddler typed the wrong password 200 times so I can’t try again until next year
Shift the power at family gatherings by telling older relatives you didn’t recognize them because they’ve gotten so big.
Netflix subtitles be like [Speaking Spanish]
bro you gonna translate it or??
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home.
me: can u say da da
baby: ba
me: dada
baby: baba
me: dada
baby: are u really this desperate for validation
me:
baby: ok dada
I made the obviously poor decision to only eat half of my burrito and now the other half won’t stop staring at me
I’ve never been in love… But I imagine its similar to the feeling you get when you see your waiter arriving with your food.
I just spent 20 minutes at the store choosing the best food with only organic ingredients for my dog, then took my kids to Burger King.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Denmark has a new king and queen we should attack at dawn
“How’d the date go?”
Not good. Too many red flags.
*Flashback to her house being covered with USSR flags*
I think she might be a communist.