Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling
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Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Hey men, we women love it when you hit us up out of the blue for sex. I mean really, I’ve been waiting for this day for a year, Josh.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
I get really offended when people expect me to share just because I bought the “share size” pack. I bought that size to share with myself, not you
The best thing about snow is that now my lawn looks as good as the neighbor’s.
“PS, I love you” — Me to my PlayStation.
You would think that after 8 years of yelling at her dog, my neighbour would have learned that the dog doesn’t understand English. Try Spanish, you imbecile.
50% of raising kids is begging them to use their words.
50% is begging them to be quiet.
Grandma: do you have to take a little poopy hon?
3yo: no grandma I have to take a big shit.
stuck on a crowded subway next to a girl playing candycrush, she made a bad move & half the car went “ooooo” in a chorus of dismay
Brother: Did you know a remote is 20 times dirtier than a toilet seat?
Me *licking remote*
I don’t drip caramel sauce on toilet seats.
What kind of a cult is this?
*Sat talking to a girl at a bar*
Brain: Compliment her perfume, nicely.
Me: I AM SMELLING YOU
Brain: Why do you hate me?
a sea turtle lives for 150+ yrs despite threats from the moment she hatches and I will most likely slip in the shower and die from a bonk to the noggin
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
me: I miss handshakes
cannibal: have mine I’m not thirsty
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
This is probably a controversial take but I think the sanitation worker responsible for garbage collection on Sesame Street should be fired.
[god creating kangaroos]
Let’s make a horse rabbit.
You can lead a horse to water and if he walks on it congratulations you found horse jesus.
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
kinda bullshit my iPhone doesn’t recognize my face with food hanging out of it
I let soap touch his cast iron frying pan yesterday, so can I sleep on someone’s couch for a while?
When you hug someone, think of all the poop you are just inches away from.
[laser tag]
Instructor: Dude, you’re not gonna run out of ammo
Me [strapping bayonet to the end of gun]: let’s just agree to disagree
My proctologist gave me two thumbs up. Which I did not appreciate.
Y’all know who you are.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.