[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
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Carefully choosing my grocery check out line based on the back of who’s head I want to beam hate into for the next 15 minutes.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Ladies, when a man you meet online says he’s 6 ft, demand a pic of him leaving a convenience store.
My daughter is interviewing with an ice cream shop. I told her that when they ask if she has any questions, she should say “Yeah, can you give me the SCOOP on what it’s like to work here?”
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
waiting for the right context to watch oppenheimer (about 5 years from now on a 8 inch screen in an intercontinental flight)
A guy riding a bike past me said “hey how you doing” just before I called over my dog with kissing sounds, which was awkward but now I have a date
An air mattress is the best way to tell your houseguests not to stay too long.
If candy bars can be called cereal bars to make them sound healthy then why can’t alcohol be called cereal drink?
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
Tough guy in pub: oh yeah? Well how ’bout we take this outside?
Me (knowing that it’s a cloudless night just perfect for stargazing): well that sounds utterly divine.
When we got married, my wife had her last name legally changed to mine, and my name was apparently changed to “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Too bad we can’t get paid for our funny tweets. I could probably make about $10.
DATE: my eyes are up here
ME: [imediately looking up from their dog] sorry
I wonder if people in Fiji pay $6 a bottle for “American Water.”
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
I’m in your fridge late at night like this!
8y/o: What’s sex?
ME: [slightly uncomfortable] Umm. Well, what it is, umm-
8y/o: [to friend] Told ya he wouldn’t know. Pay up
The only thing we have to fear is fear itself
AND
When a women asks if you notice anything different
[First date]
Him: “I’m Mark. I’m a librarian.”
Me: “So, you’re a book Mark?”
KIDS: *running around house screaming*
ME: Hey guys, wanna go on a picnic?
KIDS: Yay! Picnic!
ME: *tosses bag of chips* Go eat those outside.
Interviewer: We offer great benefits.
Me: Can I take my two weeks vacation before I start?
I’m not the life of the party I am the weird basement noises of the party
[yelling at the DJ in a crowded nightclub] DO YOU HAVE THE DUCKTAILS THEME SONG
Sometimes in life, a bump in the road can alter your course in a new & positive direction!*
*It could also be a raccoon, or a dead jogger.
Dear teenage kids of mine,
When you tell me that I’m embarrassing you, I think back to all those toddler years when you embarrassed me.
So I’m going to keep dancing in the aisles of the grocery store and singing in the car with the windows down because that’s karma!
Huge nerds we are. Get laid we must.
NO SHIRT, NO SHOES, NO SERVICE
Waiter: ahem *points to sign*
Me: oh that’s fine, I’m not ordering anything
Wife: Let’s get my mom a special gift; one that will make her lose her mind!
Me: How about a guillotine?
Wife:
Me: I’ll be on the couch.
My least favorite part of a burger or sandwich at a diner has to be the toothpick in the middle. I don’t care what the ingredient combinations are, that part always tastes the worst.