How do people know spiders are more afraid of me than I am of them? Like, did you ask him? Because only one of us is screaming right now.
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I painted today
Everyone complimented me on my turtle
It was a bird, I painted a bird
Me to wife: “I don’t need a grocery list, it’s only three things.”
Also me: *Forgets two of the three things and comes home with a llama*
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
ME: What do you want for our anniversary?
WIFE: Oh I saw this cute little alligator brooch
ME: Ok
WIFE: You’re not going to write it down
ME: Nah, I’ll remember
[later]
WIFE {opening package}: Crocs?
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
A headhunter on LinkedIn wanted me to apply for a job as a bank manager. That’s quality recruitment work right there. Get the English major to run your bank.
I’m not entirely sure what numbers are. When I buy something, I just hand over an amount of money and hope it’s right.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
You should feel pretty honoured if I subtweet you.
But the tweet you think is about you, probably isn’t.
Twitter’s hard. Get a helmet.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
Having the meal you made rejected by a toddler is especially disheartening because it’s like, buddy, I’ve seen you eat play-doh.
Fell down the stairs and my 5yo complained, that it was so loud. I told him, i would fall more quietly next time and he looked at me like i was very stupid and said”Just don’t fall at all!” I was glad that he provided this solution!
Break up by making swimming motion arms every time they want to hold hands.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
You don’t know laziness until you rob a bank & choose to wait for the amount you stole to be announced on news rather than count it yourself
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
His Holiness the Dalai Lama invited you to play Candy Crush.
I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
During winter months, some people will try to hug you just to steal some of your body heat.
Beware of false huggers.
WANTED: OOMPA LOOMPAS
Main duties:
– Machine Maintenance
– Chocolate Production
– Quality Control
– Singing when kids die
Flushing my dead goldfish down the toilet. I am kicking this addiction for good
I just found out it only costs about $100 to change your name!!!
Say hello to Ninja Firequeef!
*explosion walks away from me in slow motion
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
*looks at 4 children*
“You leave me no choice.”
*eats last 3 cookies*
I hate when I have dreams about work. I’m not getting paid to interact with these people on my time off!
So when Steve Jobs started Apple in his garage he was an “innovator” but when I work out of my garage I’m “under arrest” for “selling meth.”
Just called my friend’s office & asked for Gary. The receptionist said “Which Gary?” WHICH GARY?? HOW MANY GARYS YOU GOT? 2 MANY GARYS #GARY
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129