“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”
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if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
When you’re British and you need to deliver the sickest burn possible
Me: The house is clean!
Kid: Hold my juice box!
instead of texting “on my way” I’m just going to start sending these
[criminal trial]
PROSECUTOR: *gives eloquent, convincing closing argument as to why my client is guilty*
ME: *holds up poster of prosecutor’s entire argument in the spongebob meme format*
JURY: lmao, not guilty
My mum needs to stop using all the blenders for stew.. It’s pissing me off having spicy Oreo milkshake
I can’t afford a security system so I’ve just stopped greasing the hinges on my doors
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
I’m pretty sure I’m smarter than my cat, but he refuses to take the test.
It unnerves me, because that’s totally what a genius would do…
TOP PLACES TO DO KARATE IN FRONT OF:
1. Sunset
2. Crashing waves
3. Dad’s grave (as casket is lowered)
4. New stepdad’s face
5. Quiznos
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
*me, dead for several years, in my casket six feet in the earth. suddenly, my phone, which i insisted on being buried with me, lights up*
{linkedin notification} congratulate david crandall on working 4 years at the ground beef station at taco bell
Treat her like she’s the only girl on Earth. Nothing makes a woman happier than the thought of every other woman disappearing forever.
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
Which is your favorite Duran? Duran or Duran?
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Other kids wanted to be astronauts or doctors, when I was little I wanted to be a horse calendar
Mad that so many renaissance artists were named after ninja turtles
‘Twas the night before Christmas,
and everyone knew,you were still out shopping,
yes, it sucks to be you.
I told my 5-year-old to play a new silent game, but she spent almost 30 minutes discussing about the rules.
Now we’re playing the Lets watch Cartoons game.
My boyfriend is so needy. Always demanding things like “please untie me” and “just tell me who you are”.
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Turtles sniff tails to find mates but when I do it, it’s “disturbing” & I “need to leave yoga,” or “at least wait til I’m off the treadmill”
i’m angry no one’s ever pranked me by having 10 pizzas delivered that i didn’t order
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.