I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
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[watching friend input his password on a website]
ME: dude, your password is just 10 asterisks? not very secure
#math
As your personal mortician, instead of making you look beautiful I will make people fear you.
People on social media will threaten murder in the comment section of a cake recipe.
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
Husband: Ok, this isn’t funny anymore! Who keeps changing the channel?
Me: I swear it’s not me.
Dog: *sitting on the remote*
Anime-only: Man, I can’t wait to see more of my fav character!
Manga-reader: Oh man, THAT character, oh buddy oh pal oh buddy. I ain’t gonna say WHAT happens to them, but uh, hehehe, prepare to CRY. I MUST REITERATE, I ain’t spoiling anything, BUT, that character? Hooo boy
Them: “Live in the moment!”
Me: “HAVE YOU SEEN THIS MOMENT?”
My cat constantly looks at me like I asked her to give me a ride to the airport.
When I was a kid I used to sneak into the racetrack. I was making a bet at the window and the lady said, “You’re not eighteen.” I said, “It’s for my dad,” and pointed out some old drunk. He waved. She said, “He looks wasted.” I said, “He is. Don’t make fun of my dad.”
Judge: State your name.
Me: Not Guilty
Judge: What?
Me: I had it legally changed.
Judge: You’re Not Guilty?
Me: *moonwalks outta there*
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
How much longer?
Did you bring any snacks?
They want $5 for M&M’s!
I wanna go home
Is it over yet?– me watching my kids Christmas pageant
Just made an annoying kid shut right up by making a throat slash gesture.
So I guess you could say I’m like a child whisperer.
son: my girlfriend & I just broke up
me: sorry to hear that
s:
me: plenty of fish in the sea, though
s:
me: not that this helps you
s:
me: cause you’re human & not, y’know..
s:
me: …an aquatic sea animal
s:
me: such a variety of oceanic fauna
s:
me: please go away
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
[during sex]
Can I call my mom? She said this would never happen. Wait-will you call her? Tell her this is happening! She’ll believe you.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
I’m teaching my students proper grammar by having them edit poorly written Yelp reviews. You’re welcome.
A little wine does the body good, a lot of wine does the body better!
My wife’s kidnappers sent her back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
[hears a baby crying on the train]
Can somebody put that thing on silence please?
“It’s a baby..”
…
“…”
Vibrate?
Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
Writing ‘thanks.’ instead of ‘thanks!’ so you know I’m mad
How is the medicine expired already? I only bought it *checks notes* 9 years ago.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
I was lifeguarding and a little boy threw his ball out of the water and his mom goes “maybe if you ask the pretty lifeguard she will grab the ball for you!” This kid looked me dead in the eye and goes “…..where’s the pretty one?” KIDS ARE RUTHLESS LMAO
[describing a chair] it’s like a swing without all the drama