the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
You Might Also Like
[straw house]
Wolf: [big inhale]
[gun cock from inside]
Wolf: [soft exhale]
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
As a young Catholic, you learn saints’ feast days don’t involve feasting. As an adult Catholic, you realize it doesn’t have to be that way.
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
Men don’t use the Internet. Don’t believe me women? Go check your man’s search history. Guarantee it’s empty.
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
Give a man fish and you’ll feed him for a day…… Give a fish a man and you’re probably in the Mafia
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
That awkward moment when you lazily follow someone cos of 1 funny joke, then realize all the rest of their stuff is KKK recruitment material
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
I got run over by a bus once but yes yes you’re right, there’s nothing worse than a paper cut!
My 89 y/o grandmother, who is isolated at home in CT, just told me she reads the replies to my tweets and then investigates the profiles of people who leave rude replies. So don’t be mean to me or my grandma will judge you.
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
[Dentist chair]
Him: Lie back and open wide
Me: At least buy me dinner first
Him: *sigh* Please don’t tweet this
Me: *typing* Too late
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
never ask a starfish for directions
[therapy]
WIFE: he favors our son over our daughter
ME: No way, I love whatsherface just as much as I love Johnny
Yesterday, I build a closet. Today, I’m making jam. Tomorrow, I’m ending inequality. Jk, I’m reenacting Connan the barbarian with sock puppets
DATE: This is my first time at a French restaurant
ME: I feel like I’ve been here once before
DATE: Are you having deja vu?
ME: No I’m having the chicken
everyone’s following their dreams while I’m over here happily following a food truck
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Logged into FB told Gemma her wedding pics are beautiful.
Logged into Twitter to tell you she looked like a fat man in drag and I hate her.
seminar…
Me: *raising hand*
Speaker: Surely one of you has an intelligent question.
Me: *lowers hand*
Whenever a boomer asks if I know who a musician is, I just confidently say they were in Fleetwood Mac, cause it’s probably true
Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
Me: So what do you wanna get your friend for his bday?
9: I asked him what he likes & he said tacos.
Me: ok..
9: But I said, “Not food. What else do you like?” And he said his grandma
Me: ok so
9: And I said not grandmas either! Let’s just get him a football or something