How long after the expiration date can you eat chicken. Is it three days? I guess we’re all going to find out together
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cop: do you know why I pulled you over?
me: is it the body in my trunk?
cop: haha
me: haha
body in my trunk: haha
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
Everyone writes, “why I’m leaving New York,” but no one writes, “how it’s going in New Jersey” 🧐
[first date]
Her: The menu is in French.
Me: Allow me to order for you.
Her: Sure.
Me: Mÿ dâtę wòûld líkê thé chėésëbûrgęr, plæsê.
I wear my tattoos on the inside. Ever since having discount back surgery from a guy named “Spider.”
I love eating Swiss pancakes. They’re like regular pancakes but neutral, so I can eat as many as I want.
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
[ghost writes YOUR DEAD in condensation on bathroom mirror]
“My dead what?”
[ghost writes *YOU’RE]
AAHHHHHHHHHH!
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
What’s your favorite position?
Me: sleeping
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
Him: If you’re so smart, name all 50 states!
Me: Drunken, Stoned, tipsy, sad, happy, sloppy, loved, confused, exhausted, ecstatic, fatigued…
Him: Ok,enough FFS.
Me: oooo, angry!
I can no longer listen to the radio. The risk of being welcomed to the jungle is too great.
Her: I can’t do this anymore, you need to grow up
Me: *sticking my head out of the window of my Thundercats themed Tree House* Where’s this coming from?
There was an unattended whistle just lying in the middle of the living room floor so anyway I buried it out in the woods and now we can all move on with our lives
Eclipse is too dangerous for my eyes. I’m going to stare at 11-point font google docs on my smartphone all day instead.
I always get new followers when I’m asleep proving that people like me better when I’m not talking
People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Everyone saying “Poor Steve Nash, he got hurt again”. POOR? That boy making $9,701,000 this year. If he poor, then I’m skinny.
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star
My daughter just told me she likes a boy, so I sent him 12 pictures of my gun collection…being a dad is awesome.
When I was a kid I was afraid to drink kool-aid because I didn’t want a giant hole in my wall that I had to explain to my mother, like, could you imagine?
That awkward moment when you look over to give another driver a condescending look criticizing their driving and you nearly wreck and die.
Nothing prepared me for the part of adulthood where you look like a baby deer learning to walk every time you get out of bed in the morning.
me:
british youtuber: wots up yewchoob,
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt