Apparently the maximum number of times you can keep getting back in line for Communion wafers is 4.
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dough: a bread, an uncooked bread
ray: of sun that cooks the bread
me: a gal who eats the bread
fa: ther also eats the bread
so: da bread’s a kind of bread
la: vash is another bread
tea: a drink. anyway, bread!
that will bring us back to dough
Okay with female deers & drops of golden sun. But always felt that “La” deserved a better identity than “a note to follow So”
My son said it was the best babysitter ever but the look on her face when we returned told a much different story.
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Ugh
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
Four Worst Feelings Ever:
4. Losing your job
3. Romantic break up
2. Death of a loved one
1. Needing to pee when you’re stuck in traffic
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
“I just love a man in uniform”
~ drunk me, to my garden gnomes
Lust is not real love and Domino’s is not real pizza but both are fine when you’re drunk.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
Keep your friends close and your fat friends closer, because snacks.
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Me: k well my phones gonna die so I’ll ttyl
Mom: But ur office is a landline?
Me: oh…so it is….K well the building is on fire, sooo ttyl
[looking at family picture]
Me: Such good times
3yr old son: But I’m not in the pic
Me: *ruffles his hair* I know, buddy
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
INTERVIEWER: If Harry Potter was real, what Hogwarts house would you be in?
ME: What do you mean “if” Harry Potter was real?
I’ve always had a soft spot in my heart for female T-Rex because the tampon insertion must’ve been really difficult.
My body is a temple, but it’s one of those temples in Thailand where they let monkeys shit all over the place
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because I’m riding a Big Wheel on the freeway?
Officer: A STOLEN BIG WHEEL
Dating profiles should make you share a sound bite of you sneezing.
Just read that the average woman goes on 7 diets in her lifetime and I was like “wtf” because I’ve been on 7 diets since lunch.
Before I had kids I thought there were only three, maybe four places you could put stickers. I was wrong. So, so wrong.