I never thought geometry would be any use to me in the real world, but look at me now, one more game of beer pong to win back my house.
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Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
you are so beautiful without makeup.
-my husband, after he saw i spent $62 on an eyeshadow.
Your life is awesome until your oversized clothes start fitting.
Fabio hasn’t aged a day
Me: table for two
Hostess: did you have reservations
Me: *whispering* Yes but we’re married now
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT
BUT BUT BUT BUT BUT BUTI like big buts.
I can not lie.
I’d be really slim if it wasn’t for birthdays, anniversaries, Easter, Christmas, Mother’s Day, weekends and me.
Sitting outside in the dark on the swing and some drunk guy coming from the neighbor’s party is pissing on the tree in front of the house.
I coughed and I heard his pee stop.
Jim: I’m totally spacing out on a word.
Me: OK
J: What’s that awful thing called…
M: …
J: You wake up with it after you drink?
M: Linda.
Me: *mopping floor* don’t slip
3yo: *walks by*
Me: *slips*
3yo: like that?
Me: just leave okay
HISTORIAN: im a historian
ME: ah… so… wats ur favorite… uh… year
HISTORIAN: oh, 1901
ME: ah yes… the year they discobvered the… 19th century
I have a scar on my lower back from the time I bounced on a trampoline and landed on one of the springs the wrong way.
I call it my trampoline stamp.
If you factor in “supply and demand”… she DOES NOT want the D.
There is so much D trying to go around, not even the alphabet wants the D.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
Show me your pushy.
– Sean Connery shext
The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
If you saw how my wife attacks flying bugs in the house, you’d sleep with a knife under your pillow too.
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
Such bullshit that people stop saying “You ate it all! Good job!” once you reach a certain age
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
the three stages of a woman’s life:
– the chosen one
– the mother
– solving crimes in the village
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
(plastic vampire teeth falling out of my mouth) divorth??
I wear Lacoste shirts with the little crocodile on them because when shit goes down I want crocodiles to know that I’m on their side.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.
12 years ago i adopted a highway. today is the day we have the talk. im not a highway son, but you are and i want you to be proud of that.