me: can I get a job application
mcdonald’s manager: [handing me one] do you have experience
me: oh yeah I’ve filled out hundreds of these
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[fancy restaurant]
HOST: uh sir, no outside food or drink is allowed
ME: this is my service chalupa
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
Whatever you’re giving up for lent, I’ll take it.
Son: Do you know what Sin City is?
Me: Las Vegas.
S: Okay do you know what Den City is?
M: I have no clue.
S: Mass over volume.-I almost said Denver 🤦♀️
Is that Carl?
Oh hey Carl
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Doggo’s polite and subtle implication that he is interested in going for a walk
“I can function just fine on 3 hours of sleep”, I say as I begin pouring vodka into the coffee maker instead of water.
t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t t i t
~ just dotting some i’s and crossing some t’s.
I don’t want to work for 5 days a week and figure out what to cook for dinner everyday. I want to lay on a rock in the sun like a lizard.
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
My mom just told me she’s been watching that “Game of Thongs” show.
Gawd I hope she’s just saying it wrong.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
My neighbor said “nice skirt” so I said, “thanks, it helps me not blast Miley Cyrus at 6 in the morning, you should borrow it sometime.”
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
Might buy an ice-cream truck just so that I can drive it around town, playing the jingle, whilst eating the inventory all by myself in plain view of the public.
12 years ago today, my brother gave me one of his kidneys. I still can’t believe he did it. I wasn’t even sick.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
Who called it a clip-on hair extension and not a phoney-tail
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Always leave them wanting their money back.
“The 59th rule of Fight Club is, we cant park in the lot on Vermont anymore – The owner is being a jerk. Just find street parking. 60th…”
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Me: This is the worst escape room ever.
Boss: This is your job.
Instead of a happy ending the masseuse gave me an indie movie ending. She stopped suddenly at a random point and left everything unresolved.
“Milk does a body good” I whisper as I down a whole gallon of heavy whipping cream.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.