Cop – “Sir are your trafficking these children?”
Me – “No sir, they are my children.”
Cop – “ Then why are they screaming ‘HELP HELP, get me out!’ as loud as they can?”
Me – “Sorry, there was a fly in the car.”
Cop – “EWW, A FLY!!!”
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Buzz: hey Neil where do cows come from?
Neil: I dunno where
Buzz: the moooon haha
..
..
*single gunshot*
Neil: uh Houston we have a problem
I had a friend call to say they’re on their way over. I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough to tell them I’m not home after I told them I was home when I answered the call.
The moral of the story? Don’t answer the phone. Ever.
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
A few years ago my dad was driving me to my chemo appointment. Silence. He looked intense. I couldn’t imagine what he was feeling, I’m not a parent. I took his hand and said “what’s on your mind?”
He said “man…having antlers would be crazy”.
Hardest I’ve laughed. Carry on.
My mother doesn’t believe in expiration dates, she’s on day 3 of believing in food poisoning.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
jesus thought he was impressive converting water into wine, lemme see u convert Fahrenheit into Celsius without googling it if ur so holy
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
She wasn’t matching our energy so I had to fix it for her 🙄😂
[1st day at the office]
boss: this is janice, she loves playing hide and seekme: nice to meet you
voice from behind the photocopier: you too
Amanda Bynes and Lindsay Lohan have a fight to the death. Who will win?
Everybody.
Sweep her off her feet, but not like the bad guy from Karate Kid.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
NICK CANNON: hello and welcome to america’s got talent
HAWK: [hiding his talons behind his back] i misunderstood the title of this show
People who live in glass houses should be put on a watchlist.
Sure, tell me about the dream you had. It will give me a chance to count my teeth with my tongue.
My son is running back and forth from the kitchen to his room because he can’t bring the chips to his room.
He’s nothing if not a problem solver.
My mother: A high forehead is a sign of intelligence.
Me: What does that even mea—
My mother: You have a low forehead.
i ain’t victim blaming, but why tf would you tell a wolf where your grandmother lives
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I got all my coworkers condoms and bibles for Valentines Day because I’m praying they get laid
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: GPS is down. Using a refrigerator magnet as a compass. I think it’s just pointing to another refrigerator.
The goose: Canada’s most violent saxophone.
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
I think Titanic is fake because, how do they record it when they are all dieing in the water?
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?