After 8 years of research and an obscene amount of funding, we have determined that bat shit is no crazier than any other shit
You Might Also Like
When you’re a kid, you think you’re never gonna grow up, and then one day you’re in your 30s and you suddenly have VERY inflexible ideas about the proper way to load the dishwasher
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
The quickest way to get a creationist to shut up is threatening to throw them off the edge of the earth.
Me: What am I going to do with these sick time management skills?
Twitter: hold my beer
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
ME: my son ran away
COP: we won’t rest until we find him
ME: [swiping LEGO aside with both feet] no rush
Wanted to respond with “Perfect!” but accidentally sent “Pervert!”
That’s my cue to leave. And sorry, Steve, you’re probably not a pervert.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
6: Can I have a baby sister?
Me *panicking*: Uh, well, the problem is that you can’t choose so the baby might be a boy.
6: Then can I have a turtle?
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
Desire to not get beat up > Desire to wear a cloak
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I hate when I grab a live wire and everyone sees my damn skeleton
me: *falls down stairs*
kind stranger: oh, you poor thing!
me: *tears in my eyes* why did you have to bring my finances into this
My time has come.
That’s me in the corner, that’s me in the spotlight, spreading goat cheese on a bagel
Naked yoga in the backyard is the best way to get the neighbors to pay for that privacy fence.
When assembling your dog, please read the instructions carefully.
[aliens dissecting humans]
alien surgeon: seems like they feel terrible after they drink alcohol
alien assistant: that’s good, so they never do it
alien surgeon: you’re not gonna beleive this
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
*hires a group of teenage girls to giggle every time you walk by*
we’re dead?
When cannibals fall for one another, that’s chew love
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
“Hi yes I’d like to attempt the Cheeseburger challenge”
“Very good sir”
[ripped as hell cheeseburger runs out of the kitchen & bodyslams me]
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
Currently looking for a Thanksgiving outfit that camouflages me as my mother’s wallpaper…something where I don’t have to pass the peas or her passive aggression.
I went to the feed store for dog food and came back with 5 baby chickens.
I shouldn’t be allowed to have grownup money