I really want to retire but these stupid bills just keep
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Side effect of quarantine is it’s really hard to end phone calls. Twice today I almost said “okay I have to run” before realizing there is nowhere to run to
Roman: Any last words?
Jesus: I’ll be back.
[the purge alarm blares in the distance]
ME: *adds a 13th item in the express line at the grocery store*
The Home Depot guy doesn’t care why we’re buying all this quicklime. Be cool. Stop sweating.
Morning.
When I said I wanted to get sticky, I didn’t mean that I wanted to spill my slushie all over the place.
It took three nurses to pull me off of that doctor after he told me I need to give up potatoes.
I don’t usually post things like this on here but,
My Mom is in the ICU with the Coronavirus and she’s not doing well.
I’m devestated. She is one of the most important people in my life.
So if any of you could spare some prayers or good thoughts, It would mean the world to me.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
What did one tectonic plate say to another when he bumped into the other?
Sorry! My Fault!
(Wedding)
Priest: They’ve written their vowsWife: *recites beautiful vows*
Me: *takes out notecard* I love you and cheese the same amount
Psychologist: so.. you study rocks?
Proctologist: no
The cats activated the rainbow portal again
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
Misread the movie guide and thought the movie about to start was Allen vs Predator, and I was like, “you got this, Allen.”
Get off my lawn, Pokemon Go edition
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
Prisoner: Why’s it called a “shiv”?
Cellmate: It’s short for “shiver”
Prisoner: “Shiver”? But how does that relate to stabbing?
Cellmate: the shiv part comes before the ER
Prisoner: damn that’s cold
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
*travels to Tibet*
*scales Mount Makalu*
*finds sacred Guru on the summit*Guru: We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
ME, my last day as a stenographer: Hey sorry everybody, but real quick, are you all saying “murberer”?
WTF
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
STOP SACRIFICING GOATS I NEVER SAID I WANTED GOATS
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Me: why aren’t you eating your peas?
5: sometimes kids just don’t want peas, you wouldn’t understand
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.