🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
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Slicing an avocado: “I’ll carefully carve two halves then cautiously remove the pit to avoid bruising the fruit.”
Slicing a pineapple: “I’LL SEE YOU IN HELL SPIKEYBOI!”
So apparently makeup sex after you argue with a coworker is not a thing.
No one is more unnecessarily confident than a white person that just ordered Mexican food in a Spanish accent.
One of the perks of being a woman is that no one can ever surprise you with a kid years later and tell you you’re the mom.
[Afterlife]
Bird 1: All he had was one rock.
Bird 2: His aim was perfection.
[trying to prove that I’m stronger than my 13 year old] best two out of three
[911 call]
“My hand’s stuck in a blender!”
“Turn it on then.”
“What?”
” I can’t hear it, turn it on so I know you’re not lying.”
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
Sorry I was late. I was trying to explain to my son how an octopus has 8 legs but not 8 feet.
Why are all podcasts “two best friends” I want a podcast that’s Two sworn enemies. Just two bitches that absolutely hate each other
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
I’ve stopped texting “K” and started texting “L” instead so I don’t have to reach so far over with my thumb.
I had a cat called key key meow so I am willing to help name your baby just ask
*calls into work*
“yo boss i’m real sick”
“you don’t sound sick…”
“ya, just got a new tribal tat & heelys”
“wow u do sound hella sick”
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
A lot of people finally making good on their new year’s resolution to learn how to cook 👌
[at a mattress store]
sales assistant: what size are you looking for?
me:*six loads of laundry big* queen should do
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
To find out your dolphin name, lick your finger tips and rub a balloon.
superman: can i borrow 500 bucks?
batman:
superman:
batman:
superman: [sighs] can i batborrow 500 batbucks?
batman: yep
ME: *peeing in the ocean*
WIFE: at least go in past your waist
As an adult I’ve caused the most trouble by pressing ‘send’
I’m out here thumping watermelons like someone will murder my entire family if I pick the wrong one.
British websites use biscuits.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
Dissecting someone who’s really cute is an awwwtopsy.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.