yeah no that’s fair
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the Craigslist guy who sold me a bookshelf today showed me all the staples in his stomach from the surgery he just had. But that’s on me for forgetting to ask him to specifically not do that.
Dropped my son for his first day of kindergarten today. Does anybody know what age you’re supposed to pick them up?
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
You always hear about cops planting evidence.
Never about the cops who nurture and water it every day so it will grow into an evidence tree.
New neighbor: Hi. It’s nice to meet you.
Me: It’s nice to meet you too. This is my daughter, 9
Neighbor: What’s your Twitter @
Me: DAMMIT
Coworker: Doing anything special this weekend?
Me: I’m going to get a scary Halloween costume for my puppy.
Coworker: But puppies are cute, you can’t possibly make them scary!
Me:
[IT guy on phone]
May I take control of your computer?
Me: *Closes two browsers with 10 Twitter tabs & 2 news sites*
Err… sure.
a haunted house called blood bath & beyond
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
Disney made such a big deal of kissing dead people. I kissed one dead person and now I’m no longer allowed at the morgue
the early bird gets the worm & so does this dance floor of unsuspecting wedding reception guests when my jam comes on
Custom Auto Painting
Food truck owner:
I said I wanted it painted solid white. What’s with the red splotches?Me: You sell spaghetti.
Your password doesn’t remember you either. He moved on. He’s someone else’s password now.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
domino’s pizza: eric is on the way with your order, do you have any special instructions?
me: tell him to be ready to wrestle
If you have slept with someone who sounds like Darth Vader breathing, you understand why it’s so great to sleep alone.
I remember when the only in-flight movie choices were either you watched or you didn’t
“Ok, what shall we call these skewers of food?”
STEVE: How about a Kasteve?
BOB: I have a better idea
Guy at the cake shop: So is this for a friend?
Me: No, it’s for me.
Apparently it’s weird that I’ve had 9 birthdays this year.
i feel like nothing is gonna happen to twitter idk i just always felt like this app would be here surviving at the end of the world like a cockroach
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
[abducted aboard a UFO]
Alien: Take us to your leader
Me: *shaking* Then what will you do?
A: We’ll return you, unharmed
M: Not… not even a probe?
A: There’s nothing new to learn from probing humans
M: *pouting* Even if I say please?
“I’m on my way!”
-Someone who won’t be leaving for at least 20 minutes
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?