GENE SIMMONS: What is it about me that makes people think I’m gross?
“Hygiene”
SIMMONS: Hi. Now answer my question.
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[At a child’s birthday party, holding a poorly taxidermied possum]
I heard someone likes stuffed animals!
I asked my dad if he could hang a mirror in the bathroom for me but I guess I should have been more specific because he ended up putting it right over the toilet instead. Oh well, my son loves watching himself pee now.
I was always told that women can’t have it all but I just ate two everything babies.
8: mummy would you like me to give you a massage every evening
Me: you will inherit everything I own
Fellow Black Friday shopper: I’m so excited! What are you trying to buy?
Me: oh I can’t afford anything, I’m hoping to be trampled to death
That escalated quickly
– Me to 4 unamused strangers on the Mall escalator.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
6: Why don’t you juice oranges for me anymore?
Me: You broke my juicer.
6: When I juiced that play dough?
M: yep
I just bet a hyena £1000 that he couldn’t swim across a river and now he’s laughing all the way to the bank.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
me: so the wife and I started running the dishwasher in the morning instead of at night and it’s had a real positive impact on our days, for example-
officer writing ticket: i’ll let you go if you just please stop talking
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
…in my purse, in my coat pocket, in the fridge, in the pantry, beside the corkscrew…
[Chapstick Season]
Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
Until public restrooms have automatic doors, the automatic sinks, soap and paper towel dispenser will make no sense to me.
Me: can I wish for more wishes
Genie: no
Me: i wish for $20 then
Genie: granted
Me: *slides $20 across table* how about those wishes now
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
A REAL CONVERSATION I HEARD BETWEEN TWO GROWN MEN AT TIRES PLUS:
Man #1: *getting ready to pay* Is it a swipey swipe
Man #2: No it’s a chippy chip
Jobs I’d be shit at:
-brain surgeon
-rocket scientist
-ventriloquist
-goat herder
-sober person thingy
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
[on the way to the hospital]
GF: “let me get this straight. You thoug-”
Me: I thought that the mouse trap would detect that I am not a mouse
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
11-year-old: I can’t find my other shirt. I left it right here on the floor.
Me: Did you check the hamper?
11: Why would it be there?
Why indeed.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
[karate tournament]
coach: Billy sweep the leg!
me in the crowd: haha hey billy vacuum his head!
*Billy just wails opponent with a Dyson*
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours
greatest 45 seconds in cinematic history
I can’t remember if Moses was DC or Marvel
Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.