It’s a myth that we only use 10% of our brain, but I definitely know people who use less than that.
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“Well…it’s basically a cellular phone that you have to join a cult to use.”
– Steve Jobs explaining the iPhone
A man of commitment.
me: dating sucks, lot of weirdos out there
me on dates: hey i had three beers before you got here do you believe in ghosts
i like how ppl mess with ouija boards then are all like omg why are demons trying to eat my soul like you did this to yourself bro.
me: well, they sell flower arrangements at the grocery store
florist: I understand your point, we just don’t carry peanut butter
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
Me: *puts six steaks on the grill*
Wife: Don’t you think that’s too much? It’s just us and the kids.
Me: Wait, you guys are eating, too?
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
I’m not saying I want to die choking on peanut butter, but that would be the only scenario where my friends can say I went out doing what I loved.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Me: Which dress looks elegant but not like trying too hard, this or the other one?
16: It’s not the dress, it’s the woman wearing it.
Me: 😊
16: So you’re pretty much screwed, I don’t know what to tell you.
Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
#Friyay
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
me: damn! this pizza burned the inside of my mouth
*immediately takes 2nd bite*
“I’m ONE PERSON trying to hold this whole house together!” my husband hollers in frustration as the kids flee back to the tv, abandoning him with the collapsing gingerbread house.
Me: [2007] next year I’ll meet more people and be open to new experiences
Me: [2017] next year I’ll live in an underground bunker and build my own squirrel army
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
There is nothing sadder than waking and turning to see the love of your life’s face to find she has deflated in the night.
Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.
I went to law school for this.
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
My “15 minutes of fame” are when I get my paycheck and everyone I owe money comes to collect
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Which wines pair best with gloating?
God invented co-workers to remind us that dying alone wouldn’t be such a bad thing.