Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
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What we really mean when we say parenting gets “easier” is that kids eventually sleep more and get their own snacks.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Alexa play Metallica…
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: Trying to get this piece of shit to play some music
Wife: Well 1st off, that’s my coffee thermos you moron…
Pro tip:
Ensure that you never have to spend the holidays at your mother-in-law’s again by telling her that her cooking tastes “institutional.”
You know who DOES see something wrong with a little bump n’ grind?
Trevor in human resources.
Here’s a tip how about designing a Band-Aid that you can open before you bleed out WHAT AN IDEA
People who copy and paste jokes from facebook are idiots…
A few seconds ago • Comment • Like
the only time I can imagine clicking on a Facebook story is maybe if I got attacked by a bird while trying to do something else
I’m not saying it’s hard for me to lose weight, I’m just saying if you interrupt me when I’m eating I’m starting over.
Oh, you fell in love?!
I fell in my bathtub.
My answer to the question “where would you most like to work?” is the same as to the question “what’s your favourite dog?” Chocolate lab.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Me: his voice was much deeper than that. He had the chin of a man who had recently lost his watch
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
“HOW MUCH FOR THE GREEN SMART CAR?”
“Ma’am, that’s a watermelon”
Just tried out an AI Headshot generator.
Came out pretty well.
Me [cracking open a beer]: Man, what a rough day.
Wife: IT’S 8 AM
WEBSITE CEO: We need a fool-proof way to ensure everyone who enters the site is over 18
“What about clicking on a button that says I’m over 18?”
WEBSITE CEO: Bob, you have done it again
“No i’m clearly not in a position to be giving you advice right now”
*gets down from doing a headstand*
“Ok, lay it on me”
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Every time I talk to a fancy journalist and they ask what I do in my free time my scumbag brain goes “say masturbate, it’ll be hilarious”
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
Invisible Obama be like “Uhh. Let me be clear”
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America
Delightful if true: booby trap.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
me: let’s circle back around and touch base
baseball coach: yeah that’s the gist of it