Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
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Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.
“Daddy, tell me again about how you wasted time before Twitter existed?”
“Well son, we used to look at clouds & pretend they were animals.”
email: CC
my brain: corn cob
Give it to me straight
“I’d really like to have sex with you-”
Now give it to me gay
“-r boyfriend.”
Why do people draw sunglasses on the sun? It’s like, dude, he’s the sun. They make sunglasses because of him.
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
My brain: “Let’s do something adventurous today!”
My body: “Yeah, good luck with that.”
How many times is too many times to say ” oh boy ” during sex?
[in front of fire]
DATE: I’m still kinda cold *she looks at my jacket*
ME: Oh! Yeah *I take off jacket & throw it in fire* That oughta do it
Welcome to middle age. Your bladder makes its own decisions now.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
“Insomnia sure is frustrating” he said wide-awakely.
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
Everyone keeps asking me if I’m okay, and I think it’s because I keep showing up to places looking like I was hit by a truck.
All that money and sleep was super annoying anyway.
-lies parents tell themselves
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
Me: When one door closes, another one opens.
Him: That explains the flies.
God creating the duck: waterproof that chicken and give it a kazoo
If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
Can I ask you a question without you getting mad?
-People who are about to piss you off
People swimming in rivers: brrr it’s so cold in this water I hate it
Ohioan swimmers, very clever, setting their river on fire to warm it up first: 🔥🌊😎🌊🔥
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
Artists when they havent drawn for 1 second
My toddler just screamed GET OFF MY LAWN to her brother so it’s nice to know I’m not the only one becoming a totally different person right now
I’m going to be the most petty poltergeist ever. I’ll do things like unplug your phone charging overnight
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.