The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
You Might Also Like
Um, my eyes are up here.
-giraffes
Sometimes I like to trick my dryer by selecting the Bedding setting when the load is really jeans and towels.
Right now 36-year-old Meghan Markle is celebrating her marriage to a prince.
Right now 36-year-old me is celebrating the fact I found lasagna in the freezer.
Guess we’re both living the dream
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
Guess what!
Some blacks don’t like whites, some whites don’t like blacks!
And nobody likes Mexicans!
Big deal! Who cares!
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
Just shoveled for 30 minutes so the pizza guy could deliver my food
Priorities
COP: do you know why I pulled you over?
COP’S WIFE: *now next to him on the couch* Because you’re scared of the movie
COP: Yes it’s too real
SON: but I want to see my friend!
ME: buddy, I’m sorry. It’s not great right now. Mommy and Daddy can’t see our friends either.
SON: … you guys have friends?
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Interviewer: It says on your resume “attention to detail”
Me: Uh huh.
Interviewer: And right below that it says “attention to detail”
Pandas are proof that if you have a cute enough outfit no one will call you fat.
Apparently when someone tells you they’re pregnant, “why” is not an acceptable response.
Sex with me is like a ferris wheel: slower than you hoped, full of clunky stops and a carny watches to make sure you don’t get off.
-Knock Knock!
-Who is it?
-The love of your life.
– 🙂 Really?
-Hahahaha no, it’s the pizza you ordered.
Pigeon 1: I really have to go to the toilet mate.
Pigeon 2: Wait a litle dude..i want same thing but we really have to find a really clean car…
I’m pretty sure the dude in the stall next to me is giving birth to a Hummer
I’m not saying I spend a lot of time in the restroom, I’m just saying if you walk into my stall you can be charged with home invasion…
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
true crime documentaries are like “nobody suspected the husband until they found the life insurance policy”
Just ate potatoes so good I finally understand the centuries of warfare between England and Ireland. The English wanted their potatoes.
Movie trivia is always like, “The actor improvised when he screamed & threw the plate, so the reactions of fear from his co-stars are real. The actress who played the mom was 2 years older than the actress who played her daughter.”
You know how I know society sets us up to fail?
Roombas only work if your house is already clean.
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers