My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
You Might Also Like
me when I see my crush
The electric toothbrush battery died but luckily my skill set allows me to use it like a manual.
when people say “I have two awesome kids” I always wonder how many they have total
Hey can someone tell CNN about snakes?
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
date: so what do you do?
me: *doing a huge amount of karate* adderall
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
Don’t go in the woods alone.
Always bring a slower friend.
Whoever said you can’t hurry love, never had kids knocking on the bedroom door.
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
i’m almost fully convinced that the people who design jeans have never actually seen a human body
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
*Spends 30 min practicing Starbucks order in mirror*
*Feels confident*
*”Hi I’d like a grander ahoy Ralph Macchioatto lateenbay”*
*dammit*
Good neighbors never bother you.
Great neighbors don’t call the cops when you pass out naked on their lawn.
2020 feels like trying to jog while both of your feet are asleep.
Kid 1: Why’d you call me Aphrodite?
“After the Greek goddess of love”
Kid 2: What about me pop?
“You’re named after a famous chipmunk Alvin”
a Land Before Time reboot but it’s displaced polar bears on a journey to antarctica to eat an endless supply of penguins
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
When I die I want people to say “Hmm, I didn’t know you could die like that.”
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
A realistic Godzilla movie would be 2 cats defeating him by tripping him and purring on his legs while he’s trying to walk down a mountain.
oh u like history? name everything that happened
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
Detective: I’m gonna need an interpreter, who killed that man
Frat boy: bruh like straight up this dude low key swooped in here, yeeted his life away and skeeted
Interpreter: I can’t help u dude
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
her: i only date woke guys
me: [trying to impress] i have insomnia