My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
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One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
ME: You win some, you lose some
WIFE: Where are the kids
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
It turns out the line is longer for the home office bathroom.
An ad agency somewhere is about to get fired.
LAWYER: ur dad’s estate—
ME: who called it executing a will instead of splittin heirs
L: he said if u made a dumb joke u get nothing
M: shit
@SICKOFWOLVES @funTweeters Can you drive a school bus?
The 8yo disrupted my sleep again, so I texted my mom at 2AM to ask when it stops.
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I once ordered a BBQ bacon cheeseburger to go as I headed to work. I got to work and found that they forgot two critical ingredients:
The BBQ sauce and the bacon.How do you forget two items that are part of the title of the burger?
*looking under hood of car*
“Well there’s your problem”
*removes cardboard box with engine drawn on it*
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
Aggressively singing “This Is How We Do It” while putting my husband’s clothes in the hamper instead of the floor.
What happens when Christopher’s car breaks down?
Christopher Walken
Finding the smoke alarm with the dying battery is just the adult version of Marco Polo.
EXORCIST: the previous tenant was murdered. You can see their ghost in the background of this photo
SPOOKY GHOST VOICE: oooomg deleeeete it
Before you get involved with another person, ask yourself: Is this someone I can see myself cropping out of pictures later?
Dentist 1: Works great!
Dentist 2: Revolutionary product.
Dentist 3: It’s remarkable.
Dentist 4: This is a game changer.Dentist 5: (Having just changed a flat tire after being served divorce papers)
I have some thoughts.
When somebody unfollows me, I want to go on a shopping spree and walk into their house while holding bags and say, “Big mistake. Big. Huge!”
I’ve had a few people tell me I should start an OF but honestly, you could just peel a potato at home and get the same outcome.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
No, autocorrect, switching “generics” to “gerbils” in the message I sent to my doctor without proofreading first was actually extremely helpful, thank you for that.
I wanted to get this and my friend said “what, like sarcastically?” and wow burn
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
Next time my wife asks me to open a jar, I’m gonna tell her I have a headache.
At least the self-checkout doesn’t ask me what I’m making for dinner with these items or when I’m going to call my mother.
[shopping for make-up]
“Excuse me, what will make my eyes pop?”
“I know exactly what you need.”
[boots you into the vacuum of deep space]
*gets bitten
*becomes shy shy