I have eaten
a roll
of toilet
paperand cut open
all of
my kitchen
appliancesforgive me
I really thought
they were
cakes
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Adoption agency: so did you have any specific ideas of who you want to adopt? Age? Gender?
Dave Seville: do you have three anthropomorphic chipmunks?
*a single grain of pollen enters my nose*
My sinuses: We refuse to work in these hostile and unsafe conditions
Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
“I want you inside me,” I whispered to the tray of warm brownies.
Person: Would you like to eat 6 string cheeses in a row?
Me: Naw.
Person: We deep fried em and there will be tomato sauce.
Me: Oh, ok, yes.
I’m trying to find my niche, and my nechphew
“Why do you hate me?”
– me any time someone tells me I have to sleep on a futon
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
just opened threads. it’s basically a fake app from a tv show that a teenage girl uses right before being murdered by cyberbullies. not doing that again
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
-I’ve got a phobia of coincidences.
-Me too!
*faints*
*faints*
My grandmother sewed and crocheted until she was into her 90s and her hands just couldn’t do it any longer. So don’t expect me to be putting this phone down anytime soon.
Been getting harassed by motion activated Halloween decorations all day. Pray for delivery drivers everyone
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
How can you have beef with Keanu…it’s like hating a rainbow
OMG you guys!! I have abs
.
.
.
.
.
.
…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.
As I sail away from the Island of Lollipops, never to return, tears well in my eyes and I wave goodbye to each and every lollipop, the only friends I have ever known. “So long, suckers,” I whisper through trembling lips
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
I’m so lazy, I’ll only walk my fingers through your hair.
If I were a literary character, I would be the grandpa in Charlie & The Chocolate Factory that doesn’t get to go
Let’s face it, he wouldn’t be as universally loved if his name was Kevin Turkey Bacon.
The fact that my nephew told his teacher his Mom is on parole.
She’s on patrol, serving in the National Guard.
Patrol.
Some children show signs of greatness at an early age, I just found my kids playing hide and seek in the bathtub.
CHRISTMAS FACT:
Baby Jesus actually received two blocks of gold on his birth, making him the first child in history to have an Au pair.
List of food it’s okay to eat with your hands:
– corn on the cob
– chicken wings
– ribs
– hamburgers
– spaghetti at your in-laws
If you ever want to defeat your enemy in battle, just throw a waterlogged nerf football at their head.
My kids are running fevers and fell asleep on either side of me so now I know how it feels to roast like a gas station hot dog.