When your mom beats you for coming home late then you see your brother comingππππππ
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Thailand started 2020 with a major plastic bag ban so now Thais have made it a trend to put their shoppings in random things & iβm living for it LMFAO
Morbius is the highest grossing Morbius movie to DATE!
It’s strange that watching paint dry is considered boring but going to an art gallery is considered interesting. That’s just watching paint that’s already dry.
Eighty seven percent of single people are single because they don’t want to share their pizza with anyone.
Presents open. Now to watch my children watch other children play with the toys I bought them on YouTube.
*puts on Rocky theme music*
*cracks neck*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches*
*jogs in place*
*picks up phone to call mom*
[first day as a real estate agent]
me: as you can see this is a beautiful house
client: how many floors does it have
me: *scratching head* um a lot I think thereβs one in every room
“What would Jesus do?” is an unfair question. He had superpowers. Your lifeboat is sinking. WWJD? Well, he’d get out and walk to shore. See?
The smoothest fall of all time
My husband told my daughter he canβt flush his contacts down the toilet because itβs bad for the oceans and she thinks itβs because βhumans donβt want sharks to see better.β
WIFE: Where’s the dog?
*flashback to me giving him the keys to the car to get more beer*
ME: I let him outside.
[Job interview]
βCan you explain these gaps in your CV?β
βYes, theyβre so the words arenβt all joined togetherβ *rolls eyes to self*
okay, whoever wished for avocado to become βthe poor manβs butterβ again, put down the monkey paw
Me: How was your first day of school?
5-year-old: Long.
Me: I’m sure tomorrow will be better.
5-year-old: Wait, I have to go back?
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Canβt believe I have to spend the rest of my life living the rest of my life
Intel’s responses are magic:
– There’s a design flaw in Intel CPUs.
– Intel: no, they work as designed.– It allows stealing of passwords.
– Intel: no, it doesn’t corrupt data.– There are three bugs.
– Intel: we’ve fixed both.
pet rent is the stupidest concept iβve ever heard of how do you expect my cat to pay $50 a month she is unemployed
If you`re not going to help me break into my ex`s house to delete the hysterical message i left on his answerphone,then you`re not my friend
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you are looking for a great new way to relax, give βsittingβ a try! I recently tried sitting and it’s the ideal solution for when you’re tired of standing up but not quite tired enough to lie down π
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Whenever the Starbucks guy asks for my name I laugh and whisper “I’m seeing someone”
20: omg my life is going to be so awesoβ
40: wtf just happened
I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
Ok but actually
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
I can confirm that men and women may disagree on when advice is helpful.
In related news, it is warm enough to sleep outside.
Iβve got an aggressive turkey named Winston. While he was in the outside run, I went into the coop to fix the tray on his food dish. The wind blew the door shut and the latch is locked from the outside.
If you donβt hear from me again notify Stephen King of this novel idea.